You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Memo to John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, and Ben Carson: YOU ARE ALL MONSTERS.
Once again, and until I either get sick of it or it works, I'm devoting IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS to convincing you all that any hope you may have that a sane one, a moderate one, or a nice one will emerge the victor in the 2016 Republican presidential nomination process is a pipe dream, because the race is currently a fifteen-way tie for worst fucking monster that ever walked the earth. Today, a three-way competition for Worst Reaction To The Oregon Shooting, and guess what? It's a tie.
"I don’t think gun control would solve this problem. The deeper issue is alienation. The deeper issue is loneliness. The deeper issue is we’re paying no attention to an individual who is really struggling." - John Kasich, a monster who's learned the language of compassion phonetically.
Kasich sounds like a "compassionate conservative". He talks about addressing the deeper issues. He says he wants to help people who are "struggling". But heaven forbid we get distracted from helping people who are struggling by some gun control, which won't solve the problem. THat's what's really important.
Here's an idea, fuckface. While we're working on solving the problems of alienation and loneliness, maybe pass a simple law to keep people so alienated and lonely that they want to shoot up a community college from assembling a small personal arsenal. How about just making alienated and lonely people get a background check while we're at a gun show? Sure, it won't "solve the problem", but it might keep more of us alive to see Kasich's eventual utopia where alienation and loneliness have been eradicated once and for all.
"He's a complete failure as a father, he should be embarrassed to even show his face in public. He’s the problem here. Why didn’t he know? Because he failed to raise his son. He should be ashamed of himself, and he owes us all an apology." - Bobby Jindal, finally getting people to notice him.
In the passage above from a blog post, Jindal took a brief break from blaming the kids today, movies, and abortion for mass shootings to specifically castigate the Oregon shooter's father, who dared to question why his ex-wife and his son ended up owning thirteen fucking guns.
Apparently, Jindal is unfamiliar with these things called circumstances, which do not always allow for his pure, 50s fantasy of a nuclear family with a strong father figure who, despite being emotionally distant, working constantly, and drunk all the time, still manages to provide the kind of role modeling that kept anything bad from happening to anybody ever until the goddamned hippies with their sexual revolution and their no-fault divorce ruined everything. But in the real world, people divorce, they remarry, their family relationships change, and we don't drag them into the street for a public apology because their kid turned out to be a nutter.
"Not only would I not probably not cooperate with him. I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, 'Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.' " - Ben Carson, lying.
Wingnuts with no empathy and a rich inner fantasy life they mistake for strength of will often berate victims, directly or indirectly, for not living up to their inner Rambo. We all know that, when faced with the situation in Oregon, Ben Carson would either be in a corner in a puddle of his own urine, then blood, or, if he actually tried to rally his fellow... I guess he thinks it was some kind of hostage situation? Where he could gather all the victims together and give them instructions? Anyway, his fellow hostage-victims wouldn't be able to understand his weird soft mumbling and they'd all die anyway.
And in the unlikely event he were somehow able to organize a mass rush without getting shot as soon as he opened his mouth, Carson, given both his politics and his history, would say "they may shoot me", mean "they may shoot you", and the real reason for getting everybody together would be revealed - more people for him to hide behind. There desperately needs to be a kind of extreme Candid Camera / 60 Minutes hybrid where Carson and all the fuckers like him who say they'd be the apotheosis of Flight 92 Let's Roll end up in a staged crisis without their security and see how big the gap is between stated bravery and effectiveness and cold, hard reality.