Asses, Racist And Otherwise

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Memo to Kim Kardashian, Mississippi, and John Abarr: YOU ARE DUMB.

There is a sort of a throughline in today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, but in order for you to know the throughline, you have to know that Kim Kardashian got attention for making a slightly awkward KKK joke, and since neither you or I want to admit that we know about that, let's just pretend that it doesn't and get right into the weekly fun-size chunks of dumb.

The other bit of Kim Kardashian news this week was that anyone who wanted to could see her ass without watching the sex tape that launched her career. I saw it because the thumbnail of it had a thing on it that made it look like one of those "CELEBRITY GETS NAKED" news stories that never turns out to be a particularly naked celebrity, and I thought it was one of those, and I thought that might make for good column fodder, and then I saw her ass.

But it's not really an ass. I mean, it's ass-shaped, and it's ass-located, but it's a human butt the way a Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Bullwinkle balloon is an actual moose. It looks like a prop. A badly made prop ass. It looks like a ceramic mug Spencer Gifts sold in malls 30 years ago, except instead of being attached to a handle, it's attached to one of the world's largest piles of unearned wealth. The point is, it's not sexy and it's not really risque or transgressive except in the a sort of sideshow GROTESQUERIES OF HUMAN ANATOMY sense, if you're curious.


In "shut the fuck up about your awful fucking heritage already" news, Mississippi! Specifically, a referendum to make April in Mississippi "Confederate Heritage Month", which would create a month in which the Confederate flag would fly, the creepy Ole Miss Confederate mascot would rise again, and generally, Mississippii would officially look fondly back on the time it committed treason so that it could keep owning black people.

And you know what? Fuck it. Let it pass. Let's let the Confederate Flag fly freely and proudly anywhere people are proud to fly the American flag. On one condition. None of them get to pretend that they're not celebrating a pro-slavery rebellion. Kick all the shit and fuck all the pigs you want, just don't call it fertilizer-spreading and animal husbandry.


And hey, maybe they can hire Montana's John Abarr as their public relations guru, because he is clearly a genius. He's setting up a new version of the Ku Klux Klan. called the Rocky Mountain Knights, which won't discriminate against anyone based on race, religion, or sexual orientation. And if you're wondering why you'd want such a group even remotely associated with the Klan, well, you understate the genius of the man naming his Montana group afteer a mountain range commonly associated with Colorado. MARKETING GENIUS!

Oh, and also the group's devoted to stopping the New World Order bringing about a tyrannical form of government. Which may be crazy, but at least it's aa crazy commonly associated with Montana.

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