You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope.
Don't mind me. I'm just trying to do that thing, you know? That thing where you keep saying a word over and over until it loses all sense of meaning and just becomes a random syllable pope pope pope pope pope pope pope pope.
It's not working. It's almost as if I've heard the word "pope" used in sentences so many times in the past two weeks that it's impossible to remove context from the sound. Can't imagine how that would have happened. Anyway, on the occasion of the Pope's death, I'd like to extend the following to what I'm sure are my many Catholic readers: a nice, hearty "big whoop".
Popes are to Catholics as puppies are to small children. They're cute, nice to have around, fun to dress in funny hats, and if one happens to die, well, it's down to the shelter for Pope #2! You'll be sad for a little while, but you'll have a new pope soon enough. And he'll be the same color as the old pope, and he'll have about as much hair, but he'll be younger and more sprightly and will bound around the world making sure nobody ever uses condoms. It'll be adorable.
But until then, because this is such an important event for the world, and because someone might have spent all weekend playing video games and watching wrestling instead of writing, here's a very special PopeCorpse News Roundup.
POLES WANT TO BURY POPE'S HEART WITH KINGS
That is not a metaphor. They apparently want to strip John Paul for parts so that they can get a little bit of dead Pope action in his hometown of Krakow, Poland. It's apparently a "keeping up with the Joneses* kind of thing, as Warsaw has Chopin's heart in an urn, while for the time being Krakow has had to settle for one of Mr. Spock's prosthetic ears. Apparently, in Old Europe, a Spock ear is not quite the powerful symbol of religious iconography we have here.
GUESSING GAME BEGINS ON POPE'S SUCCESSOR
Not for the Church, it doesn't. I guarantee you they've known for months who the new Pope would be. It's not like John Paul II drove his Popeswagen off a cliff or something. They've had a long time to prepare. But if you're still wondering who they'll pick, allow me to spoil it for you. It'll be some European cardinal with conservative views who doesn't have any embarassing statements on the record anywhere. There'll be a couple of Western Hemisphere, non-white guys talked about the same way we talked about Colin Powell as president. You know, as cover. You have to interview everyone for the job so you look modern and stuff.
In the unlikely event they do pick a Pope Of Color, though, that'd be fun. Then we could have a new slogan for America. "LESS PROGRESSIVE THAN THE VATICAN". Should just about fit on a coffee mug.
ROYAL WEDDING TO GO AHEAD DESPITE POPE'S DEATH
Which, thank goodness, finally answers the question "What will non-Catholics with plans for this week do?". Similarly, I would like everyone to know that if the Pope's funeral ends up being on Wednesday, I will still be watching "Mythbusters" as per my original plans. There is no need for panic.
WORLD GETS FIRST GLIMPSE OF POPE'S BODY
Ah, the headline, where decorum apparently trumps accuracy. We've seen the Pope's body for the past 26 years - waving, walking around, blessing people, even a great shot of the top of the pope's head peeking out from a giant window that I wish I could find. NINJA POPE. What we're getting a first glimpse of is his corpse. His DEAD body. But you can't put that in the headline or you'll get angry letters.
* In case you're still wondering what separates You Are Dumb from other politicomedic comedy Webcolumns, keep in mind that other, lesser lights in this pseudoindustry would not have been able to resist typing "Joneskis" here. While we do not eschew puerile ethnic humor as a matter of policy, we only go for the blatantly obvious when we can do so in a way that makes it look post-modern and ironic.