Rebel Scum

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Memo to the South: THIS IS WHY YOU ARE PIGFUCKERS.

I don't care if you're a card-carrying member of the ACLU in Austin, or an aging hippie with a Jane Fonda shrine in Atlanta*. Until and unless you can do something about the rebel scum who choke the decency out of your geographical region like kudzu, you will remain Pigfucker Central.

Because as bad as individuals are everywhere else - and believe me, we all have our fair share of twisted dipshits, racist nutjobs, horse enthusiasts, and the like - you have something we'll never have, a unique type of stupidity that, until it's forsaken, will forever set the South apart.

The worship of the Confederate Flag.

That this can even be an issue nearly 150 years after the Civil War points to a fundamental cultural flaw. We're talking about the flag of a country that no longer exists, shouldn't have existed in the first place, and was founded on fundamentally reprehensible principles. But there's a whole faction of Southerners who get awfully cranky whenever any attempt is made to dislodge that flag from its pedestal of hick reverence.

The same fucking arguments come up every single time, too. Here's Jeff Davis, president of the Georgia Heritage Council. Davis is 75 years old, which seems ancient, but compared to the fall of the Confederacy, he's a spring chicken. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"It means honoring our ancestry. That's what it really is all about when you get down to it."

First of all, LIKE FUCK. Second of all, even if he weren't lying, there's a difference between "honoring your ancestry" and glorifying your ancestor's failed attempt to start their own country so that they could continue using other, darker human beings as CHATTEL.

Case in point. Right now. Today. July, 2005. In Alabama, hanging over Interstate 65, there flies a Confederate flag. See, the Sons of Confederate Veterans bought a small plot of land there. Just so they could hang the flag. And is this a tasteful historical display recognizing the South's rich history? That depends entirely on how you feel about a flag TWENTY FEET TALL AND THIRTY FEET WIDE.

What does Alabama's governor think of the flag? "That's as much a part of our culture, a part of Alabama history as a million other things." - Gov. Bob Riley.

It's funny, then, the way those million other things never get quite the same degree of obsessive, masturbatory fawning. You don't see rednecks taking to the streets to keep pecan pie on menus. Dolly Parton doesn't get six hundred square feet of fabric in her honor, though you could argue she needs it. It's just the Confederacy that inspires such devotion and loyalty.

And at the end of the day, whether you fly a Confederate flag that big, or slap a Confederate flag sticker on your car, we all know you're not "honoring your heritage". Your heritage is in many ways dishonorable, and we'd all be better off if you recognized that. You're not "recognizing your history" - that's why we have museums, not giant, fluttering Yay Slavery advertisements on the Interstate. When you wave the Stars and Bars, you're doing it for the same reason any patriot flies any flag. To support their country. In your case, to support your dead, defeated, disgraced country.

When you fly that flag, you tell the world, "This is how things SHOULD have gone." Whether it's out of misplaced pride, racism, or just blatant stupidity, you're declaring allegiance with the secessionists, with the slaveowners.

And that is why you're pigfuckers, and that is why, while you're around, you'll continue to taint the South with your pigfuckery.

*No, I don't mean Ted Turner, either.

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