You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
First, I'd like to remind everyone that in addition to Inauguration Day, today is also Not One Damn Dime Day, so remember to go out, find an establishment that's not happy about the inauguration either, and spend some money. Not only will you exchange your wages for goods and/or services, but you'll piss off a stupid, annoying leftist who should know better. And who can pin a value on that? Just remember, whatever you purchase, make sure it costs more than ten cents, because it's NOT ONE DAMN DIME DAY.
But it's only Retarded Liberals Buy Bread Tomorrow Day because it's Inauguration Day, an event which, despite what you might think, fills me with an almost complete sense of relief and nonchalantitude.
Let's face it. Under the best of all possible circumstances, I would normally be dreading today for an entirely different reason. Kerry would have pulled out a squeaker*, everyone would feel all safe and secure and saved from the horrors of Dubya, and we'd have a terrified zombie in the White House, afraid to say "boo" for fear of antagonizing a Republican-led Congress. Sure, he talks tough now during the Rice hearings after keeping his head down for two and a half months, but that's because he lost, so he CAN.
Instead, we get two more deciscores of Bush. Now, Bush fucked up a LOT OF STUFF in four years. But he didn't fuck up half of everything. So odds are, by 2008, he won't have fucked up everything. Not for lack of trying, but there's only so much your puppeteers have control over, even when their hand is up the ass of the leader of the free world. They may fuck up Social Security, they may fuck up trying to fuck up Iran, they'll keep fucking up the planet, but we've got a pretty good idea overall of how bad it's gonna be, and today's no different from yesterday's no different from tomorrow in that regard.
Am I supposed to be shocked that Bush, in a time of war and global disaster, has turned his inauguration into the biggiest influence-peddling schmoozefest Washington's seen in... weeks? No, I am not. Because I have been paying attention, and one of the things that you learn if you pay attention is that our President is a HUGE WHORE. Even within the red-light district of modern politics, Bush stands above the rest. Seriouisly. Some prostitutes have the self-respect. Things they will do for money, and things they will not do for money. And then there's whores like Bush, who spreads like a Vegas buffet when there's a corporate contributor within fifty miles.
Am I supposed to be tuning in to his speech this morning? No, I am not. Blah blah freedom blah blah march blah blah don't blame me. Hard work. It's not like there's actually a chance he'll rip the flesh from his own head, revealing a flaming demonic skull beneath it which spews fire, turning Harry Reid into a pile of ash while Cheney intones "FLAWLESS VICTORY. FATALITY". And even if he did, his approval rating would go up five points overnight, and editorials would be praising his bold new style of immolative leadership.
You know what I will be happy about by next week? The end of the ball jokes. Inauguration BALLS. Bush's big BALLS. Everybody enjoys Bush's BALLS. OK. Testicles. We git it. I love a dick joke as much as, if more than anybody. Even God loves the dick joke. If he didn't, he wouldn't have given half of us dicks, and the other half of us constant motivation to laugh at them. But enough is enough. There's only really one "Inaugural Ball" joke in the comedy sack, unless you stretch that sack really far and use the word "drop" in its obscure usage as a synonym for "begin". Then you can ask, in all seriousness, "Hey, when are Bush's balls gonna drop?" And even that is mediocre comedy at best.
So after this weekend, no more Inaugural Balls jokes for about three years and ten months, at least on the federal level. Small comfort, but we take what we can get.
And speaking of the balls, I could easily go another four, eight, twelve... hell, could we just get a benevolent dictatorship so I don't have to read one more goddamn word about what people are wearing at the inauguration? Military uniforms for the junta, black hoods and handcuffs for the opposition, and Joan Rivers left speechless. That actually sounds pretty good, now that I think about it. Maybe democracy IS overrated.
*Not a reference to a deviant sexual practice.