Let Me Be Petty For You: Day Two (The Candidates)

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Memo to LGBTQetc America: LET ME GET THIS ONE FOR YOU.

In the wake of Friday's decision by the Supreme Court legalizing same-sex marraige nation-wide, I understand that the LGBT community has to be gracious in victory for the sake of optics and public relations. Sure, it would feel great for them to point and laugh at all the hyperbolic, conservative, self-shitting reactions... But since this SCOTUS decision pretty much represents the last time I'll get to argue all the usual arguments with all the usual people who've LOST LOST LOST LOST, let me be be horrible and petty for you. For like a week.

Today, we move down the food chain to Republican presidential candidates. Now, remember, there are a shit-ton of these fuckers in the Suicide Squad, and a few more queued up to join, so rather than going through them one by one, I'm going to just lump them into three basic categories. Insurrectionists, Cakefarters, and Assholes.

We'll start with the latter group, because they're the least interesting. These are the candidates who don't actually give a shit about gay marriage, probably, they just oppose it because they're supposed to, and truth be told, they're kind of happy the Supremes have taken the issue off the table for 2016. There are seven of these, and in all three categories, I'll be ranking them from least assholish to most assholish..

  • George Pataki
  • Rand Paul
  • John Kasich
  • Chris Christie
  • Ben Carson
  • Rick Perry
  • Lindsey Graham

The hallmark of all of these assholes, well, except Pataki, who hasn't said anything on the matter yet, possibly because everyone forgot to ask him, is that they don't try to delegitimize the Supreme Court. They all say the Court was able to make the decision they made, even though they disagree with it. Sure, by the time you get up to Perry and Graham, there's a lot of cake talk (which we'll get into shortly), but essentially, these seven are pretty resigned to the decision. The only two surprises are Carson, who's a nutball, and Perry, who's normally much more pathologically beholden to the religious right.

The middle group of five Cakefarters disagree with the decision, disagree with the Court's ability to even have made the decision in lieu of the states, and, most importantly, are shifting their focus to the next big battle, keeping their fellow bigots from ever having to be tangentially associated with a gay wedding.

  • Marco Rubio
  • Jeb Bush
  • Carly Fiorina
  • Scott Walker
  • Bobby Jindal

You'll hear two words a lot from Cakefarters, and borderline Cakefarters like Perry and Graham. "Conscience" and "Participation". "Conscience" is the idea that a deeply-held religious conviction that gay people are abominations is somehow admirable, and worthy of protection. The ability to hold beliefs is of course protected by the First Amendment. The right to act based on those beliefs isn't.

Which is where the word "participate" comes in. It's an attempt to get around discriminating against gay people by not providing them the same service you'd provide a straight couple. Taking pictures of a wedding, renting out your space for a wedding, and, most commonly, baking a cake for a wedding. If you can convince people that those things count as "participating" in a wedding, then you can gain sympathy for the idea that people of "conscience" (bigots) are being "forced" to "participate" because not "participating" is considered discrimination.

It's largely bullshit, of course, but there's plenty of precedent for this kind of rank bullshit "compromise" in order to accommodate bigotry getting a lot of sympathy and support. Expect to see a lot of op-eds from so-called "centrists" berating the LGBT community and their allies for not settling for nationwide gay marriage and happily being rejected by bakers and venues because of who they are. And of course, all five of the Cakefarters have vowed to defend the conscience of bigotry.

Which leaves Santorum, Huckabee, and Trump. In this, as in everything else, Trump is unclassifiable. He blamed Jeb Bush for his brother's appointment of John Roberts, who of course singlehandedly brought about nationwide gay marriage by only casting one vote against it instead of three.

Santorum and Huckabee, on the other hand, are going to FIGHT. And not with some wussy Constitutional amendment that will never pass. No, they will REFUSE TO ACCEPT what's happened. It will not stand! What will they do? Don't ask them that, because you won't get an answer. But they sure are fightin' mad. Santorum was practically frothing.

"The stakes are too high and the issue too important to simply cede the will of the people to five unaccountable justices... But leaders don’t accept bad decisions that they believe harm the country, they have the courage of their convictions and lead the country down the better path. Marriage, the family and our children are too central to a healthy society to not fight for what is best."

But it's been Mike "Covenant Marriage" Huckabee, who once upon a time was considered by the media to be the evangelical equivalent of a "compassionate conservative", who out-homophobed everybody else in the race with this defiant call to some sort of vague action. FINAL QUOTE TIME!

"The Supreme Court has spoken with a very divided voice on something only the Supreme Being can do-redefine marriage. I will not acquiesce to an imperial court any more than our Founders acquiesced to an imperial British monarch. We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat.”

OK, Fuckabee. Bring it. What are you gonna do, start a revolution against the Supreme Court? How are you not going to acquiesce? What form will your resistance take? How exactly do you plan to resist? I mean, you and I know you're talking out of your ass and won't do shit, but the people who are cheering you today actually expect you to walk out of the Supreme Court building with Ruth Bader Ginsburg's head on a spike, Game of Thrones style. You're fucked now. Step back and you're a coward. Step up and you'll fail miserably. Either way, I will be gloriously entertained.

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