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Memo to Starbucks, Aaron Schock, and the Israeli electorate: YOU ARE DUMB.

Purists will enjoy today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY. It's doing what it was designed to do - cover three important stories in the world of Dumb that I didn't have a chance to hit during the week.

First, McDonalds wanted us to "pay with lovin", which somehow managed to be more and less creepy than it sounded. You could get your shitty food for free if you did some kind of horrible interactive invasive stunt with the cashier who didn't want to do it either. It went over even worse than you'd expect and, I'd assume, died a horrible quiet death.

And now Starbucks wants its customers to have a frank conversation about race with their barista, in a socially conscious version of the McDonalds stunt that is otherwise completely identical in that it forces one person doing a thankless job into an unwanted interaction with another person buying a thankless product.

Plus, it's about race. Everyone says we need to talk more about race, but I don't think that's strictly true. There are productive conversations about race, but those only really happen between underinformed majority folks with a serious desire to be better people, and patient minority folks still open enough to help them. The other 317,999,900 people in America already talk too goddamned much about race and most of them say awful things in the process. Don't encourage them, Starbucks.


And now, my insightful commentary into the resignation of young, handsome, conservative, Downton-Abbey-loving Republican congressman Aaron Schock after people started looking at how he was spending taxpayer money:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Fuck you, douchenuts. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Of course, he'll land on his feet with a cushy wingnut welfare consulting gig, which is a shame, because he's the one Starbucks employee I'd love to see forced to have awkward conversations about race.


Scott Walker, as he not-campaigns-for-president-yet, is fond of comparing himself to Ronald Reagan, but I think he's closer to another figure inexplicably mythologized way out of proportion to his actual worth - Benjamin Netanyahu.

Nobody really likes them. They spend their time in office alienating people and making things worse. Then an opportunity comes to vote them out of office. People get hopeful. Polls seem promising. And then on election day, the absolute worst people in the entire electorate come out, vote their worst instincts, and sweep the asshole back into office. Glad I don't live in either Israel or Wisconsin.

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