All The Bugs Are Fucking

« February 2015 »

Memo to Lindsey Graham, Vito Barbieri, and Michele Fiore: STOP BEING CRAZY.

There's no two ways around it. We are ruled by crazy people. Legitimate crazy people. People who have lost touch with reality are in charge of all of us. Maybe it's always been this way, and we're only noticing now thanks to the Internet. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"They've adopted a theory of religion that's 1,000 years old that requires a worldwide caliphate that will purify the Islamic religion, kill or convert every Christian and Jew and vegetarian in their way. And they're not going to stop unless somebody stops them." - Lindsey Graham, who, I must remind you, is considering running for President.

In general, I find the whole ISIL scaremongering disappointingly familiar. For a couple of weeks now, I've heard people assert, with a straight face, that we have to fight them over there so we won't have to fight them here. Completely unironically. Even though fighting Al Qaeda over there so that we didn't have to fight them over here created the conditions that led to us having to fight ISIL over there.

But that's not important right now, because Lindsey Graham thinks crazy fundamentalist terrorists have it in for vegetarians. Right after Christians and Jews. And that, right there, is part of what's driving our foreign policy and the Great War on Terror. So that sense in the pit of your stomach that we're all doomed is, shall we say, quite well-founded.

"I was being rhetorical, because I was trying to make the point that equalizing a colonoscopy to this particular procedure was apples and oranges. So I was asking a rhetorical question that was designed to make her say that they weren't the same thing, and she did so. It was the response I wanted." - Idaho state legislator Vito Barbieri, not helping.

You've heard by now that Vito Barbieri is the man who thought a camera pill could check on a baby because women are just one big tube. But it's worse than that, because ignorance would be one thing, but delusional zealotry is something else entirely. Unlike most of these retroactive excuses for stupidity, I believe Barbieri's explanation.

Because Vito Barbieri isn't just an Idaho legislator. He's also on the board of an Idaho "crisis pregnancy center", which, along with "ex-gay" therapy clinics and creation museums, are the worst edifices the religious right have inflicted upon our society. That, plus the fact that his explanation of what he was doing makes no goddamned sense whatsoever, leads me to the inescapable conclusion that he meant his rhetorical ploy and thought it worked.

"If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, and we can put a pic line into your body and we’re flushing, let’s say, salt water, sodium cardonate, through that line, and flushing out the fungus… These are some procedures that are not FDA-approved in America that are very inexpensive, cost-effective." - Nevada state legislator Michele Fiore. Holy shit.

No, seriously, HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Over the years, I've been exposed to what I thought was nearly every crackpot theory out there. Most of them in any single Victoria Jackson screed. But this is the first I've heard that cancer is a fungus, and the cure is Arm & Hammer baking soda, which as we all know is high in "sodium cardonate".

You know how I know baking soda doesn't cure cancer? Because I lived through the 90s, when Arm & Hammer put baking soda boxes fucking everywhere. In the fridge, in the closet, in the laundry room. You know how Hidden Valley wants you to put ranch on everything? That was baking soda's ad campaign before it was cool. I guarantee you that if baking soda cured cancer, we'd know about it. Oh, and baking soda would be twenty thousand dollars a box and your health insurance would only pay half.

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