True Assimilation From Dummies

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Memo to American Immigrants: TRY HARDER.

Last week, Donald Trump said something about American Muslims that bears repeating, for reasons that will soon become apparent. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Assimilation has been very hard. It's almost, I won't say nonexistent, but it gets to be pretty close. I'm talking about second and third generation. They come, they don't— for some reason there's no real assimilation.”

But it's not just Muslims. As far as conservatives are concerned, Latinos and even some Asians are guilty of coming here and then undergoing no "real" assimilation. And since Trump has been so gracious as to point out the problem, I figured I'd go the extra mile and help immigrants achieve a level of immigration that conservatives will be comfortable with.

First, obviously, there's he issue of language. English may not be the official language of the United States, but that doesn't stop a whole lot of conservatives from either wishing it was, trying to make laws saying it is, or just thinking that it is. Which means if you want "real" assimilation, you're going to have to speak English.

But that won't be enough. You also have to never speak your native tongue again, because if a conservative overhears you doing so, they'll leap to the completely reasonable assumption that you CAN'T speak English, and therefore have not assimilated properly. And they'll probably do worse, depending on the specific intersection of language and location (for example, Arabic + Airport).

But I'm afraid that won't be enough either, because you may still have an accent. And to conservatives, accents other than Southern and Palin indicate that you still hold to your filthy foreign ways. So, you know. Work on that if you want "real" assimilation.

Similarly, the way you dress can affect how your assimilation is viewed. Ethnic clothing? Didn't assimilate. Religion-inspired or required clothing? Didn't assimilate. By the way, for purposes of this rule, facial hair counts as ethnic clothing. The only acceptable hats are cowboy and backwards baseball.

Speaking of religion, obviously, you'll need to convert to Christianity if you're not Christian, and if you are some variety of Christian, you'll need to make sure your church is some kind of mega church-style with a gift shop and a Starbucks and not some weird ethnic variant of Christianity or Catholicism because, well, we all know those don't really count. Don't just give up religion, though. That makes you an atheist and they aren't really American.

Hyphenated identities are right out, unless you're Irish. They're the only ones who get hyphens and that's a special dispensation because they brought us Shamrock Shakes. The rest of you don't get to attach your home country, religion, or continent your ancestors were forcibly dragged here from if you want to count as having "really" assimilated.

Basically, all you have to do is treat everything about your ethnic, national, and religious heritage the way conservatives want gay people to treat being gay. You can BE all those things, as long as you never, ever, present any kind of observable evidence that you are those things in front of a conservative, because then it doesn't count anymore and you're shoving it down their throat.

Oh, and if you can swing it? Be white. If you can't, and you do all the other stuff listed above, the only way it counts is if you publicly support the Republican Party. If Ted Cruz were a Democrat, he'd still fall short of True Assimilation. Lucky for him he's a gaping asshole first, and of Cuban heritage second.

Good luck!

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