St. Patrick

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Memo to St. Patrick: fuck you, and the day you rode in on. YOU'RE DUMB.

I mean, there are a lot of weak-ass holidays out there, but St. Patrick's Day has turned into the worst of the bunch. A full day of ethnic caricatures, psychotic traditions, and culturally-sanctioned alcoholism, and we don't even get it off from work.

Who's responsible for the "wearing at least one green item of clothing" tradition? Let's find him and stab him in the face with a fork. And whoever tacked on PENALTIES for not doing so to the tradition gets the same fork, but in the genitals. I really hope it's not the same guy, cause if it is, he's in for a world of hurt.

But then, that seems to be what the holiday is for. Taking shit that is normally not green, and then rendering it in green form. It's like the entire nation Hulks out on March 17, only to throw its backpack over its shoulder on March 18 and hitchhike on to the next town as a mournful piano plays in the background.

Green clothes. Green beer. Green milkshakes. Green Hostess Sno-Balls. At least when Bruce Banner turns green, he breaks a bunch of shit that needs breaking. The only things that get destroyed on St. Patrick's Day are brain cells.

I mean, if you're actually Irish, or Irish-American, go ahead. Celebrate your island's herpetelogical ethnic cleansing however the hell you want. But the rest of you shamrock-toting asswipes better stay out of it. You know who you are.

If I overheard you expressing the sentiment that "Everyone's Irish", you're ON THE LIST. If you've brought out your only Proclaimers album for it's once-a-year playing, you're ON THE LIST. If you even think about doing a jig within a five mile radius of my person... ON THE LIST.

And if you're ON THE LIST, my revenge will be complete come Arbor Day. 'Cause I'm gonna go around pouring maple syrup over my head, with branches shoved up my sleeves, kicking people in the shins who didn't wear brown. EVERYBODY'S A TREE ON ARBOR DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS. Get in line or get kicked. That's how it's gonna go down. Maybe then you'll see how DUMB you are.

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