Falafalklands

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Memo to Bill O'Reilly: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

When Brian Williams got in trouble for lying about / making up / misremembering the time he was in a helicopter in Iraq that was forced down under fire, I didn't say much beyond a single tweet. Because while I thought it was a bit hypocritical of our society for Brian Williams to be the only one to get in trouble for lying about Iraq, that doesn't lead me to think that nobody should get in trouble for lying about Iraq. No racer to the bottom, I.

And while most turds don't have a silver lining, this one does. Because suddenly, for the first time in American history, a journalist engaging in blatant, self-aggrandizing falsehood was being treated as a bad thing. And that means Bill O'Reilly's fucked. Or at least as fucked as someone in his unique position can be.

So far, he's been caught lying about covering a war zone in the Falklands (actually a protest in Argentina roughly as violent as a mosh pit), having heard the shotgun blast that killed a Russian friend of Lee Harvey Oswald (only if he could hear a Florida gunshot from Texas, which would admittedly be impressive) and watching nuns be shot in the back of the head in El Salvador (in addition to cross-state hearing, O'Reilly must have time-traveling vision).

All of these fibs have two things in common. They put O'Reilly way closer to events he was already sort of close to in an attempt to boost his credibility, and they've been easy enough to discover for years. But they're only becoming an issue now because Brian Williams got busted and fessed up.

This has put Bill O'Reilly on the defensive, and there are few things in this world funnier than Bill O'Reilly on the defensive. The bluster levels, normally at a constant 11, jump up to a 13.5 on a scale of 1 to 10. And the lashing out! Oh, the lashing out! ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I am coming after you with everything I have.You can take it as a threat.'” - O'Reilly, in a conversation with a New York Times reporter, as reported by the New York Times.

The last time watching Bill O'Reilly squirm was this much fun, he was fantasizing about using fried chickpea dough to fuck a wildly uninterested colleague in the shower. Will he eventually walk away from this relatively unscathed? Probably. Does any of it matter in the long run? Fuck no. Can we all enjoy the living hell out of the spectacle while it lasts? Yes, and to an unhealthy degree. Popcorn, anyone?

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