You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, Tom Marino, and Michele Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.
The selection process for IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS is a complicated process, honed over years of practice. I'm not going to unpack all of it for you here, but suffice it to say that even when you just dive into the research pile and pull the three oldest decent quotes, at least one complication can occur.
"We will not stand for what they are doing to our way of life in Alabama." - Alabama Public Service Commission President Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, complaining about coal regulations.
I think it's important to point out that over the history of the United States, Alabama has repeatedly not stood for what they've done to Alabama's way of life, and Alabama has lost all of those fights. But not as important as the name "Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh".
I had another choice. The story that gave us this quote also provided a quote from the also ridiculously-named Chip Beeker, who, as a fellow commissioner on the commission chaired by Twinkle, asked how anyone dared interfere with the coal God put in the state. But what am I gonna do, not go with Twinkle? You always go with Twinkle. Twinkle and Chip, standing up for Alabama's ownership of black, carbon-based stuff based on divine right. It's almost as if there's a pattern of this shit in the South.
"There are some people in Congress that think they are royalty. I’m not afraid to speak up. I’m a street fighter. And I'm going to stand up and fight for my constituents." - Pennsylvania congressman Tom Marino, who is not a street fighter.
See Tom Marino said something mean on the House floor about Nancy Pelosi, and Pelosi objected to having something mean said about her, which we all know is the exclusive purview of royalty.
My experience with street fighters is limited to exactly what you'd expect it would be, but it seems to me that traditionally, when street fighters say some shit, and then they say some other shit, there is a fight in between. Usually two out of three falls, 90 second rounds, possibly ended by a super move. None of that, of course, happened in the Marino/Pelosi altercation, no matter how many cars Marino thinks he crushed in his mind.
"We certainly don’t have enough foster parents for all of the illegal aliens that the President is trying to bring in right now. That's more kids that you can see how -- we can't imagine doing this, but if you have a hospital and they are going to get millions of dollars in government grants if they can conduct medical research on somebody, and a ward of the state can't say 'no.' A little kid can't say 'no' if they're a ward of the state. So here you could have this institution getting millions of dollars from our government to do medical experimentation and a kid can't even say 'no.' It's sick." - Michele Bachmann, still not gone.
In case you're wondering, I've looked into it, and yes, it is virtually impossible to follow the twisted chain of logic that led up to this quote. There's a law Bachmann's proposing based on a case that has nothing to do with this quote and her law also barely has anything to do with the quote or the case, but that's ol' Batshit for you.
That said, this quote has done something for me. One of the symptoms of aging is that a couple of years can pass by and you barely even notice. Each year is a smaller percentage of your total life, so the passage of time gets faster and more slippery. The one thing that's immune to this effect? Bachmann's final term in Congress. Every time I think her two years has to be up, that she retired ages ago and must be gone into Wingnut Welfare retirement by now, something reminds me that somehow, the glorious day when she's no longer introducing insane laws to stop the government from bringing in Central American immigrant children to experiment on has not yet arrived.