Bonus Boners

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Memo to You Rick Perry, Lindsay Graham, and Mike Huckabee: HOLY SHIT.

We've all got to face up to the basic fact that the Charleston shootings have been dominating the news cycle for four days now, which I would appreciate a lot more if anything were going to change as a result. But nothing's going to change, and the reason nothing is going to change is that there are people with a vested interest in keeping things from changing, and when something like this happens, they are required to become IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. And since they're all running for president, and since I'd kind of like to keep Wednesday's column as Charleston-free as I can, let's address them in a special edition today.

"This is the M.O. of this administration anytime there is a accident like this. You know, the president's clear. He doesn't like for Americans to have guns, and so he uses every opportunity, this being another one, to basically go parrot that message."” - Rick Perry, in an interview with NewsMax.

After the entire world looked at Rick Perry and asked "um, accident?", Perry clarified that he meant to say "incident", which quite frankly raises some serious questions about what the fuck those new glasses of his are supposed to be doing. I can only assume that they give him small electric shocks every time he's about to say "oops", because he really should have said "oops" here, and didn't. Also, presidential candidates are giving interviews to NewsMax, which should really strike fear into us all.

But let's just pretend he said "incident" there. That doesn't make what he said any better. So, Obama wants to take away your guns for no reason beyond the fact his ideology tells him he has to, and any evidence that might lead him to believe that position has a basis in fact, like a gun being used to massacre a Bible study class, is simply an exploitable excuse. Which tells me that, like Rick Perry's glasses, Rick Perry's ability to project doesn't require lenses.

"We're not going to give this a guy an excuse about a book he might have read or a movie he watched or a song he listened to or a symbol out anywhere. It's him ... not the flag." Lindsey Graham, on whether it's appropriate for South Carolina to still be flying the Confederate Flag.

Lindsey Graham can fuck right off. Nobody is saying that Dylann Storm Roof murdered people because of a flag, or a song, or a movie. What people are saying is that in a state that is suffering its latest incident of persistent, ongoing racism, that perhaps it's finally time to recognize that one form of that persistent, ongoing racism is in fact under the state's control, and it could stop flying it.

As far as I'm concerned, any presidential candidate defending the Confederate flag should be considered as running to be president of the Confederate States of America, which, to be fair, have languished, rudderless, for 150 years. Lindsey Graham would make an excellent Confederate president, and I hope voters treat him accordingly.

"The question underlying all of this is, that we’re asking, is South Carolina a racist state because of the flag that flies on their capitol grounds? I don’t think you could say that the presence of one lunatic racist, who everybody in this country feels contempt for, and no one is defending, is somehow evidence of the people of South Carolina.” - Mike Huckabee, throwing his hat in the ring for Confederate President.

Let me be clear. I don't think Mike Huckabee would make as good a Confederate president as Lindsey Graham, because Graham has that wonderful, stereotypical Old South accent that sounds like he's saying "neeeeeeeeeegro" no matter what actual words are coming out of his mouth. He's a natural. But I do give him points for creating a trifold false equivalency of epic proportions.

First, people are accusing all of South Carolina for being racist because the state capitol flies the Confederate Flag (and yes, I know about the compromise that means not really but yes really), and since some South Carolinans are not racist, the flag must be OK! And even better, we're calling all South Carolinans racist because one of them is a lunatic racist, and that's not true either, ergo, GO TEAM CONFEDERACY! And anyway, Huckabee said in the same interview that it's not an issue for a presidential candidate, and clearly what this situation calls for is a politician willing to put up a strong defense of states' rights. Asshole.

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