You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to nativist assholes, Louie Gohmert, and Rick Perry: YOU ARE DUMB.
As you may know, there's currently a crisis involving a large influx of undocumented children crossing the border to flee violence in Central America. Since this is 2014 America, this immediately became a polarizing political issue with both sides equally guilty. I mean, one side is guilty of giving a shit about these refugee kids and the other side is guilty of madmanesque ravings about how this is Obama's forty seventh Katrina, but still, both guilty. But only IDIOTS are guilty of SAYING THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"Nobody wants you. You’re not welcome. Go home." - Anti-immigrant protesters, shouting at buses full of children.
This is what assholes do. I mean, I shouldn't even have to say it, but I guarantee none of the "We The People" protesters who were doing this thought they were assholes for doing this, and I think someone ought to correct their misconception. Because that's what assholes do.
I don't care how upset you are about brown children running away from deadly gang violence and being driven in buses through your neighborhood. You're not giving them advice. They couldn't even act on your request if you meant it sincerely, because they're in custody. All you're doing is making a bunch of miserable children feel worse. And pretending that this makes you decent Americans. You sick fucks.
"In the end, they have said that they want to turn Texas blue, they want to turn America blue. And if you bring in hundreds of thousands or millions of people and give them the ability to vote... it will ensure that Republicans don’t ever get elected again.” - A.S.C. Louie Gohmert. I've saved you from a weird, incomprehensible aside about a local election to get to the meat of the crazy.
This is one of two theories about how this is Obama's deliberate fault, as opposed to just his rank incompetence, because if you think the right is ever going to ditch their madonna/whore dichotomy wherein Obama is simultaneously a lazy, incompetent bumbler and the world's most dangerous evil dictator mastermind, you haven't been paying attention.
Anyway, Gohmert's theory is that they're gonna let all these kids stay here because in five to ten years, they'll all be illegally voting for Democrats, which, again, is one of those right-wing fantasies I wish were true, because if that shit worked, it would be kind of awesome. Then we could take away everyone's guns and bibles for sure!
"We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they're in on this somehow or another. I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?" - Rick Perry, doing what I should refer to from now on as "terrifying liberals".
OK. Here's the deal. We all need to start acting like we're really afraid of Rick Perry's ideas. If we do, the Republicans will notice and pick him as their presidential candidate and we will all be DOOMED (to laugh and laugh and laugh but don't tell them that part because then they might not do it. I mean, he's still wearing those ridiculous glasses he thinks make him look smart.)
This somehow manages to be more batshit crazy than Gohmert's theory, that the Obama administration is coordinating the surge in Central American refugee children because why not, I guess? Maybe as an even more deliberate version of the Gohmert theory? Or to force immigration reform? Or some third reason I can't think of right now, oops? We must "prevent" Perry from getting the 2016 nomination "at all costs"!