Three Times?!

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Memo to Ted Cruz: SO CLOSE, BUT NOT QUITE. ALSO/ HA HA SEEYA.

I don't feel like rewriting my entire intro, but since I wrote it, Cruz dropped out of the race, making Carly Fiorina the shortest-lived fake vice presidential candidate in history. Anyway, Cruz is out and it's awesome and Trump's gonna win the nomination which is not awesome but is the best of all possible outcomes. Anyway, on to Ted Cruz's last YAD appearance as a candidate:

The most dangerous thing about Donald Trump is his ability to make Ted Cruz seem almost sympathetic. With yesterday's brouhaha over Donald Trump openly wondering why the media isn't paying attention to the National Enquirer's story about ties between Ted Cruz's father and Lee Harvey Oswald, he took that to a whole new level. Now, Ted Cruz' father is a demonstrable piece of shit, but Cruz's reponse to Trump was also full of some very true things. Luckily, Cruz spends so much time wading through shit that his attempt to take the moral high ground left clear tracks, which we'll follow in IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

“The man cannot tell the truth but he combines it with being a narcissist. A narcissist at a level I don't think this country's ever seen. Donald Tump is such a narcissist that Obama says, 'Dude, what's your problem?'" - Ted Cruz, going off message.

See, here's the thing. If you're really mad about Trump "attacking your family", and you're not, and we know you're not because there isn't a genuine bone in your body, but if you were, or wanted to pretend that you were, why would you take a weird side-shot at Obama during it using a hacky comedy construction? The "Obama is a narcissist" thing is fever-swamp bullshit that goes back a long way, and basically means "that black guy thinks he's good enough to be President".

That's one way you know this is calculated. It was the day of the Indiana primary, with Cruz way behind in the polls. Cruz saw the opportunity for a Hail Mary to grab headlines and attention. It's a campaign speech, and you know it's a campaign speech because the motherfucker slipped a shout-out to the comments section in the middle of it. It undercuts the whole thing. And apparently it didn't work, because Trump won in Indiana anyway.

"Rapists are weak, they are cowards and they're bullies and anyone who thinks they're a tough guy, that reveals everything about Donald Trump's character, - Ted Cruz, on Trump touting his Mike Tyson endorsement.

This is fine, as far as it goes. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of the oversimplified language Cruz chooses to employ when he decides to call rapists names, mostly because Cruz deliberately uses words he's also been using to describe Trump to try to strengthen the Trump-rape connection. Which, again, points to this being a campaign speech utilizing honesty, not an honest reaction.

It's odd, then, given Cruz's clearly-stated dislike of rapists that he feels so strongly that they make such great biological parents. I mean, all that weakness, all that cowardice, all that bullying, but hey, if they happen to impregnate a woman they rape, congratulations on the wonderful gift you've received from God, ladyperson! Suck it up and enjoy how that coward weak bully has permanently altered the entire rest of your life! I mean, when it comes to problems with women, Cruz and Trump aren't far apart. One fetishizes them as sex objects, the other fetishizes them as breeding machines.

“What does that say about him? I’ve asked for forgiveness three times already today.” Cruz, on Trump's stated failure to ask for forgiveness from God.

This speech took place sometime yesterday morning, and as soon as I heard this, I stopped caring about Trump, and I stopped caring about Cruz's father, and I re-stopped caring about the JFK assassination, and I kind of stopped caring about everything except for one all-consuming question. WHAT DID TED CRUZ FUCK UP THAT BADLY THREE TIMES THAT MORNING?

Was he asking forgiveness for old stuff? Stuff he did in the past and asked God to forgive in the past but doesn't think he got forgiveness for? Does Ted Cruz ask God for forgiveness for tiny things, like spilling water or farting? Does he ask God to forgive him for impure thoughts, and does he have impure thoughts three times in the early morning in the middle of a grueling campaign? Is he still asking God to forgive him for calling it a "basketball ring"? There was no followup question on this, so, you know. Thanks, currently poor state of American journalism. Forget the "pathological liar" line, if Ted Cruz is making so many mistakes that he asks God for forgiveness three times before mid-morning, we need to know about it.

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