Alan Keyes

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Hello Alan My Old Friend

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Memo to Alan Keyes: WELCOME BACK.

I know I'm supposed to be filled with cynicism, bile, and hatred as a matter of course, but I can't help it. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl on nitrous. Alan Keyes, the man who redefined batshit crazy in the early days of You Are Dumb Dot Net, is running for President.

The last time we saw Alan Keyes, it was the Illinois Senate race, where he managed just 27% of the vote. The senator that beat Keyes so bad it got added to the state's black-on-black crime statistics? Barack Obama.

I love it. It's classic Alan Keyes. Enter a contest where the guy who beat you almost three to one in a statewide election isn't even in the LEAD to get the chance to beat you in a national election. It's like he's Don Quixote, if Quixote thought the windmills were gay atheists. So why would he do it? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I will be trying my best — as I forever have, in the course of the years that I have been involved at this level in politics — simply to state, without regard for anything else, that which raises the standard of our allegiance to our Creator, God, and challenges people, in every area where we must make decisions, to understand and apply that, and also challenges our people of faith and challenges our citizens."

In other words, if Alan Keyes thinks Jesus said it, then you have to do it. But Alan Keyes is a politician, and politicians lie, and I don't buy that reason for him jumping in at this point. And as is my wont, I have a number of alternate theories.

THEORY THE FIRST: They paid him to.

OK, let's say you're the RNC. And once again, you've put up your usual slate of candidates - all old white dudes. And that used to be OK, because all the other side would ever put up were old, white dudes*. So this year, it's OK to make fun of the Republicans for being all old white dudes. With Alan Keyes in the race, all those jokes have to stop. Sure, it's a technicality, but as long as they let Keyes participate in the debates, and given a podium near the center, he can break up the vast expanse of Caucasian jowlage and keep Jay Leno making Paris Hilton jokes.

THEORY THE SECOND: He's up to something.

I know this sounds far-fetched, but we're talking about an Alan Keyes presidential bid, so that already pushes fetched practically to the horizon. And that's the idea that it's all a cover, a cover for something he needs to be a presidential candidate to pull off. I don't know what that would be. maybe he wants a bus. He's got this pledge he's getting people to sign on his website, too.

I don't know, what could you do with a list of names of people who agree that God won't protect America anymore because abortion is legal, schools are public, and we have an income tax? OK, what if you weren't studying public mental health? Maybe Keyes is invested heavily in Jesus-fish car magnets or something.

THEORY THE THIRD: THE PUNCHLINE

Maybe Alan Keyes just took a look at the GOP field. He saw Mitt Romney wanting to double Guantanamo. He saw three candidates publicly disavow evolution. He saw Rudy Giuliani doing... well, pretty much anything, now that I think of it. And just this past week, he saw John McCain call for the public deportation of all 40,000 members of MoveOn.org.

And Alan Keyes realized what this campaign really needed. A MODERATE VOICE.

*Essentially. Roll with it.

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