Alan Keyes

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That's Our Keyes!

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Memo to Alan Keyes: STILL BUGFUCK.

I'm sorry. I honestly can't resist. It's like giving candy to a diabetic baby. Keyes says something completely bugfuck, and in the course of researching it, I stumble across other stuff, and my fingers just move of their own free will. B-U-G-F-U-C-K.

So what's everyone's favorite homophobic, ultraconservative, unelectable Senate candidate up to these days? Giving interviews to gay-themed satellite radio. It's amazing anyone even HEARD it, much less that the guy with the XM receiver bothered mentioning it to a reporter. I'll say this about Keyes, the man has the bugfuck courage of his batshit convictions, and didn't pull any punches when speaking to an audience composed primarily of people he despises.

"If we embrace homosexuality as a proper basis for marriage, we are saying that it's possible to have a marriage state that in principle excludes procreation and is based simply on the premise of selfish hedonism."

That is so incredibly selfish of the gays, wanting to form relationships with people they're attracted to. Don't you homosexuals know that every time you have gay sex, Alan Keyes cries? And not "one lonely tear" Iron Eyes Cody crying, either. Full-on heart-wrenching sobs. STOP MAKING ALAN KEYES CRY.

Obviously, the homosexuals need to be stopped at any cost. But luckily, if we've learned anything from the Republican National Convention this week, it's that the Republicans are the party of openness. Of tolerance. Of the "big tent" where people are free to disagree with party policy all they want, and even futilely dream of changing it. And in the spirit of the Big Tent GOP, Alan Keyes was very kind and deferential to Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary.

Asked if Cheney's daughter was a selfish hedonist, Keyes, thinking "Big Tent" all the way, said "Of course she is. That goes by definition. Of course she is... Dick Cheney may or may not like to hear the truth, but it can be spoken."

Oops. Well, the next day, at the RNC, after attending a "Big Tent" orientation meeting, with Powerpoint slides and everything, Keyes came around.

"I have said that if you are actively engaging in homosexual relations, those relations are about selfish hedonism. If my daughter were a lesbian, I'd look at her and say, `That is a relationship that is based on selfish hedonism.' I would also tell my daughter that it's a sin, and she needs to pray to the Lord God to help her to deal with that sin."

You know, if it were up to me, and one of the central premises of this whole website is that, dammit, it SHOULD BE UP TO ME, Keyes would have his own sitcom modeled after The Cosby Show this fall. Call it "That's Our Keyes!" The exclamation point is vital. He could play a wacky dad, running for Senate, trying to deal with his gay daughter and his sassy 8-year-old son and his barefoot, pregnant wife. RATINGS GOLD.

That is, as long as no reporters ask him any questions. Apparently, that form of journalism, where reporters ask public figures questions, doesn't go over kindly with Alan Keyes. But then, very little seems to go over well for him. The man's Rolaids budget must be massive. If he doesn't have a pneumatic tube straight from Merck to his living room for hourly deliveries of Pepcid and lithium, we should see about getting that installed. Here's what happened at the RNC yesterday when he was asked why he wasn't addressing the delegates.

"You are acting as a media surrogate for the Democratic Party! And when you ask questions that are aimed at achieving their purposes in the political battle, I have the right to ask who you speak for and who you represent. The reason you're asking that question is because the media wants to attack the Republican Party! You take approaches that are trying to sow the seed and impression of divisions within the party, to serve the purposes of the Democrats!"

The reporter in question is John Kass, a columist for the Chicago Sun-Times. Kass... is a Republican. Such a Republican that his columns attacking the left are reprinted on the Illinois GOP web site. What's next? Accusing Rush Limbaugh of being a welfare queen? He's already accused Barack Obama of being a slaveholder, so the man is no stranger to cognitive dissonance.

That's Our Keyes!

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