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The Return

« March 2007 »

Memo to Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey: YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTNERD.

You can't keep a good vampire down, I guess. You would have thought that, after his 2006 Minnesota gubernatorial run was met with open mockery, opposition, and criminal prosecution, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey might have realized that the political life was not for him.

But that would have required a level of self-awareness and internal examination that we all know is beyond the grasp of middle-aged wanky nerds who go around thinking they're vampires. That is not the way of the Impaler, dammit.

When the Impaler faces adversity, does the Impaler reconsider his course of action? No, a thousand times no! The Impaler retrenches. The Impaler regroups! The Impaler expands his motherfucking horizons and stays true to his insane nerd dreams!

Yes, the avowed vampire, satanist*, and head of the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party has decided to RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008. He's started fresh. He's got a new wife, 19-year-old Spree, whose parents must be overjoyed that their daughter has finally settled down... with a 42-year-old politically ambitious vampire. Nothing creepy at all there, nope.

He's also taken up residence in three states simultaneously, which is either a strange vampiric power or exceptionally poor reportage on the part of the Columbia Chronicle - a Chicago college newspaper who refers to Sharkey as a "New Jersey man" who was visited by Secret Service agents in Ohio.

Oh, right. The Secret Service agents. In addition to drastically upping the ante on both his political ambitions and the target of his creepy middle-aged nerdlust, Sharkey has also upped the ante on his impaling targets. After previously pledging to impale terrorists if elected Governor, Sharkey has now promised to impale George W. Bush if elected President.

I feel almost superfluous in the face of it. It's a good thing it's Friday. I mean, Sharkey may have a brain like moldy swiss cheese, but he's got a pair of big swingin' undead balls. He reportedly told the Secret Service off, if this completely unbiased account can be believed. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was to protect Bush even after he’s out of office. I’m looking at them like, ‘Oh, you’re going to defy me when I become president?'"

Oh, wait. He didn't tell them off. He LOOKED AT THEM like he was telling them off. In other words, while meekly saying "yes sir" and "I'm sorry sir" and possibly pissing himself, he managed to think up a jaunty zinger to toss their way after they left. That's the kind of behavior I'd expect from a man who provided his own photo to the newspaper - a color headshot of him in a purple and black coat, sunglasses, and with a tiny cellphone in one hand. Very draco suave.

Of course, the question is not, "Will Jonathon 'The Impaler' Sharkey" win in 2008?" The question is, after losing in 2008, where will he go from there? He doesn't strike me as the Pat Paulsen perennial candidate type. Will he run for king? God-emperor, perhaps? Or will he, after a long day of impaling, slump into a chair, only to find out, as the camera pans back, that it's actually a throne?

I don't know. But I think I speak for all of us when I say I can't wait to find out.

*Or, as the Columbia College headline says, "Santanist", which as we all know is a devout follower of the Santa Ana winds. Santanists are firm believers in threes, and will often bypass the two most obvious punchlines in order to deliver the less funny, but more surprising, third.

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