Wingnut Revolution II: Teakettle Boogaloo

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The Only Thing To Fear Is The McRib Itself

« October 2016 »

Memo to democracy-lovers; BE AFRAID. JUST NOT VERY AFRAID.

The last week or so has seen a sharp uptick in news stories about the potentially dangerous consequences of Donald Trump's "rigged election" talk, fueled by lots of interviews with his supporters where they talk about assassination and open revolution if Hillary Clinton wins.

And we are right to be concerned. Sort of. Certainly, Trump's further eroding of the authority and legitimacy of pretty much every aspect of American society is bad. But it's just the logical extension of a trend that, first, started decades before Trump, and second, created the ecological conditions for the algae bloom that is the Trump candidacy.

As for Trump's dangerous supporters, well, let me tell you a little story. Nearly eight years ago, in a decade so primitive society couldn't even decide on a nickname for it, the usual bunch of assholes, militia types, religious whackjobs, glibertarians, gun nuts, and the perennially-off-their-meds that had been forwarding you e-mails you'd been deleting for years heard a cable news rant by Rick Santelli and oozed together to form what was called the Tea Party.

The Tea Party's primary purpose was to rail against all the parts of government they didn't like. The parts that took money out of their paycheck. The parts that got paid better than they did because the government employees could spell shit right. The parts that were, you know. Black.

They openly discussed political violence, called for revolution, were super-racist and occasionally sexist. They held rallies and printed flyers and constantly spelled shit wrong on their protest signs because they were seriously not that bright.

Ultimately, there was no revolution. They were all talk, occasional type, and almost zero action. Oh, some of the splinter groups took their own pet issues farther than talk - the Bundys and a few lone-wolf crazies, but the glorious coup against the Kenyan Muslim never materialized because revolution is difficult and uncomfortable and dangerous and takes valuable time away from Hot Pocket consumption and Dancing With The Stars finales.

And so they lay dormant, occasionally electing stupid fucks or phony "sympathizers" to Congress where they acted like babies for a term or two, until last year, when a man came along and gave them a chance to do what they do best: stand in a room together and yell loudly and incoherently at brown people. That man was Donald Trump, and he spoke their language.

It was a simple language. With a very small vocabulary and a syntax barely recognizable as such. It was a language that most of them couldn't speak without getting yelled at by HR, unless they owned a gun range or worked at Hobby Lobby. So they flocked to him, like proverbial flies to literal shit.

The point is, it's the same crazy and the same stupid that we've been dealing with for a long time. It's bad, and it's something to be wary of, but there's no reason to worry about a post-election revolution, or let the possibility of these fucks showing up with their camo hats and Jazzy scooters to "poll-watch" all the browns intimidate us. The Wingnut Revolution will not be televised, because the Wingnut Revolutionaries are all busy on the other side of the televisions.

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