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The Garbage Whisperer

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Memo to John Kelly: OH, YOU’RE A SCARY MOTHERFUCKER, AIN’T YOU?

Forget, for a moment, the part of his press conference where Chief Of Staff John Kelly lied his ass off to slander a black congresswoman in defense of Donald Trump. A lie that was discovered within hours as video of the speech he lied about surfaced, proving he is truly a member of the Trump administration. Forget anything about his defense of Donald Trump, for that matter. Let’s just look at the content of the rest of his speech, full of things that should alarm you. ACTUAL QUOTES TIME!

”...they volunteer to protect our country when there’s nothing in our country anymore that seems to suggest that selfless service to the nation is not only appropriate, but required. But that’s all right.”

Damn. Kelly’s a four-star general, and I bet three of those stars were for passive-aggressiveness. Let’s be clear here. Kelly is extolling the virtues of, AT BEST, Israeli-style mandatory military service, and at worst, the draft, which you could get out of if you were rich and white and had heel spurs to spare. This is by no means the only thing Kelly complains about that could be responded to by LOOK WHO YOU WORK FOR, but again, let’s ignore that, and just point out the incredible dangers of imposing mandatory military service in a country with out population and basic inquality.

”You know, when I was a kid growing up, a lot of things were sacred in our country. Women were sacred, looked upon with great honor. That’s obviously not the case anymore as we see from recent cases.”

That is patently untrue and insane, and the judgment of anyone who says that should be called into question IMMEDIATELY, no matter what the Stepford Press Secretary says. John Kelly was born in 1950, which means his entire life encompasses the golden years of both the casting couch and date rape. “recent cases” were happening your entire life you thought you were keeping women “sacred”, and even now they’re only starting to have recourse. Also, the idea of an entire gender being inherently “sacred” is creepy patriarchal bullshit and is yet another red flag for your growing collection.

”Life — the dignity of life — is sacred. That’s gone.”

YOUR ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN IN SERVICE OF SHOOTING PEOPLE AND BLOWING THEM UP FOR A CAUSE, MOTHERFUCKER.

”Religion, that seems to be gone as well.”

Look. We’ve all been doing this thing for a while now. Especially me. And as a result, there’s only one kind of person who thinks religion is “gone” from America, and that’s people who think of only one religion as “religion” and think of it being present in America only in terms of it being imposed on America through social and cultural hegemony. That’s some zealot shit, and it lives in the heart of the military man we’re trusting to keep our addlepated president in check. Sleep tight!

”Let me ask you this: Is anyone here a Gold Star parent or sibling? Does anyone here know a Gold Star parent or sibling? O.K., you get the question.

For the record, this occurred immediately after he excoriating Frederica Wilson for politicizing and exploiting Gold Star families. And yet here Kelly is, shamelessly exploiting the idea of Gold Star families as a filter for who in the press “deserves” to ask him a question. Fucking shameless, fucking obvious, and everyone fucking fell for it.

”We don’t look down upon those of you who that haven’t served. In fact, in a way we’re a little bit sorry because you’ll have never have experienced the wonderful joy you get in your heart when you do the kinds of things our service men and women do...”

Look, you’re clearly familiar with condescending, snide pity. You wield it deftly. So don’t try and tell us you “don’t look down on us”, you arrogant, four-star, messianic, right-wing, one-star-for-each-inch prick. “Thank you for your past service” can and should be cancelled out by “Fuck you for your current service.”

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