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The Bachmann Boogie

« October 2008 »

Memo to Michelle Bachmann: HOLY SHIT, YOU SUCK AT THIS.

I cannot contain my glee at watching Michelle Bachmann, Minnesota's own basic-cable low-rent Ann Coulter, dodge and weave and do a St. Vitus' dance I call the "Bachmann Boogie" in a desperate attempt to recover from last Friday's disastrous Hardball interview. You know, the one where she called in the media to investigate members of Congress who may have anti-American views? It's like a schadenfreude sandwich on schadenfreude bread with schadenfreude mustard and a side of schadenfries.

Three weeks ago, if you'd asked me, I would have assumed that Bachmann's re-election was assured. She had the benefit of incumbency, was running in a district stupid enough to elect her in the first place. She was running against a guy named Tinklenberg. But now? Tinklenberg has almost a million bucks in small donors, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee is in for another million, their Republican counterparts have pulled all their ads promoting Batshit Bachmann, and it turns out there is such a thing as bad press after all.

On Monday, I mentioned Bachmann's first attempt at playing her Get Out Of Fuckup Free card - the standard denial. You may have seen it recently when Sarah Palin claimed the Troopergate investigation said she didn't do anything illegal or unethical, which is a fascinating interpretation of "she broke an ethics law", and one that somehow seemed to work. But Bachmann is no Palin. Faced with direct quoting of her saying she feared Obama held anti-American views, she reached for the top of the Republican Community Chest pile, and to nobody's surprise, came up with "Blame The Media". ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Chris Matthews laid a trap, and I walked into it... Chris Matthews was using the term over and over, and I should not have used it... This was Chris Matthews. I made a big mistake by going on the show. I never should have... I just didn’t recognize — I never watched the Chris Matthews show before. I should have before I went on. I didn’t recognize that he would lay a trap the way that he did." - Bachmann, to the St. Cloud Times.

Wait, are we talking about the same Chris Matthews? Spud-For-Brains? He's a fucking cable news hack, not even one of the Spy Vs. Spy guys. You know how you can tell Chris Matthews has set a trap for you? Simple. Look for the piece of notebook paper taped to the wall with the word "TRAP" and an arrow written on it in crayon. If you then walk into that trap, you're as stupid as... well, Michelle Bachmann, I suppose. And there's a whole list of jobs, ranging from burrito folder all the way up to congresscritter, that being that dumb ought to disqualify you for.

And second, I call bullshit. Chris Matthews has been doing Hardball, or earlier incarnations of the same damn schtick, since 1994. You're going to tell me that the politically ambitious Bachmann never once tuned in? You're going to tell me that during the late 90s, when Matthews was making his bones by raking the Clintons over the coals, that the ultraconservative Bachmann didn't check it out EVER? No fucking way. The only true thing in that entire interview was the part where she said going on the show was a big mistake. Although that depends on your point of view. You could argue that going on Hardball was the first good thing Michelle Bachmann has ever done for society.

We've done the jump to the left and the step to the lie, but it's the psychotic thrust that'll prove she's insane.* Watch, as she goes on conservative talk radio and repeats the claims she swore she didn't make, and was tricked into making:

To Hugh Hewitt:"And so, he was using the word 'Anti-American' and I told Chris, what I question are Barack Obama’s views. Because Barack Obama’s views are against America. They won’t be good for our country." And to Mike Gallagher: "And they can’t take it because the point is what are Barack Obama’s policies? Are they for America or will they be against traditional American ideals and values?"

See? He's not anti-American, he just holds views that are against America and against traditional American ideals. Anyone who would twist that into Obama being "anti-American", based on nothing more than liberal bias and the knowledge that "anti-" means "against", is just a clever trickster who happens to host an obscure talk show that no Representative in their right mind would ever have heard of. Follow that?

BONUS HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Tie some sheets into a bunch of knots, drape them over yourself haphazardly, and be the hit of your party as "Michelle Bachmann's Logic".

*If I ever apologized for any jokes, I would apologize for this one.

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