Minnesota

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They Mostly Come Out At Night. Mostly.

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Memo to Mike Frey: IT'S JUST GONNA GET WORSE.

Last year, in the run-up to the election, I said the following about the attempt to outlaw gay marriage in the Minnesota constitution. ACTUAL ME TIME!

"If you vote "no", and enough other people do the same, gay marriage will still be illegal in Minnesota. But let's not fool ourselves. Sometime in the next two to five years, a court will hear a case, or a sympathetic legislature will come into office, and then, gay marriage will be legal in Minnesota."

Well, we defeated the amendment AND got a sympathetic legislature in the same exact election, so for once, my optimistic estimate may have actually been too cynical. The new legislature is already working on legalizing gay marriage in Minnesota. And so there are hearings. And the hearings brought out the crazies. Including Mike Frey.

But before we get to that, let's just take a second to bring up the national phenomenon that Mike Frey represents. Support for gay marriage is increasing rapidly. Each new poll shows a new higher level of support. But who's switching sides? Generally, it's the fence sitters. It's the people that weren't necessarily rabidly anti-gay, but were uncomfortable with change.

Basically, it's the people that Bill Clinton was trying to appease by passing DOMA, the people Barack Obama was trying to appease by being against gay marriage before 2012. The casual bigots, not the hardcore crew. They see gay people getting married and see society failing to crumble and generally go along with the prevailing wisdom, and since the prevailing wisdom is in favor of gay marriage, so are they.

What this means is that the anti-gay-marriage crowd will be, as time goes on, more and more virulently hateful. You're already seeing it with the uptick in rhetoric from NOM, the National Organization for Marriage, who spent last year trying to be the kinder, gentler face of homophobia, but since the election have dropped all pretense. So the anti-equality forces look more and more like Mike Frey, who tried to convince the Minnesota legislature of some truly startling facts:

"The thing about same sex marriage is, people who are married do have sex."

This isn't what every standup comedian since the 70's has told me, but OK, I'll go with it, for now.

"There is something called sodomy. Sodomy, defined in Minnesota, is sex by or with the mouth or through the anus.

That's pretty much how sodomy is defined everywhere, actually. The only things that make it Minnesotan are the fact that you have to do it to keep from freezing on the first day of spring, and you pronounce it "saaaaaaaaaahdumee". But please, continue.

"When there's ejaculation into a vagina, there's a barrier there, as in your packet it states there, of a cellular tissue that doesn't allow the sperm, that has an enzyme on the head of it, to penetrate the bloodflow."

Vaginas! Is there anything they can't do? They shut the whole thing down when they're raped, they have magical cellular barriers that stop sperm from burrowing into the bloodstream... do go on, Mr. Frey.

"It is designed to go to the egg, that enzyme is designed to burn the outside membrane of the egg cell, go inside the egg, and deposit the DNA, we call that conception."

Burn through? Does Frey think sperm have acid for blood, like the capital-A Aliens do? There's a sort of tiny nugget of biological truth to this bit, but trust me, that nugget is about to be lost in an ocean of bullshit.

"When the ejaculation occurs inside of a colon, it's highly absorbent material, the cells there do not have a barrier for the sperm and those enzymes to enter into the bloodflow."

Um, first of all, I hope the colon isn't all that highly absorbent. At least the last four to nine inches of it that we're dealing with here. Because most of the time, there's shit in that, not things we want to absorb. But that's beside the point. So a few sperm enzymes get into the bloodstream. What's the big deal?

"When the enzymes enter into the bloodflow, and a continued prolonged environment of that happens, these enzymes into bloodflow, it causes what we know as AIDS.

If you'll pardon the expression, COME AGAIN? This guy just told a legislative committee that you get AIDS by having someone ejaculate a few times in your butt. I'm not sure why this is an argument against gay marriage. Even if it were true, which, obviously, it's not, straight married couples could give each other AIDS through sodomy, and gay married couples could have sex for decades without ever once exposing their highly absorbent colons to deadly alien sperm enzymes. But whatever.

Frey went on to ramble about gay ass-boil epidemics in Los Angeles and concluded that if we made gay marriage legal in Minnesota, all they gay people wouild start having sex with each other, and therefore our health care system would be overrun with gay cooties.

Thankfully, the committee did not pay much heed to Frey's fascinating medical theory that I'm sure he pulled off various fundie and right-wing Internet sites and e-mails before gussying it up and giving it his official imprimatur by placing it in that holiest of holy shrouds, a PACKET. Which I hope he called his fudge packet, but I'm pretty sure he's not clever enough to be that horrible.

The upside is that marriage equality is one step closer to a reality in Minnesota, and whackjobs like Frey are one step closer to irrelevance. The bad news is that, if the video is any evidence, troglodytes like Frey are still able to dress themselves in suits, comb their hair, and be treated like humans in our halls of power. We've got a long way to go.

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