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What High Ground?

« April 2012 »

Memo to the Minnesota GOP: YOU ARE BROKE.

I'm not going to sugar-coat this. Today, a news story broke. A story that does not call for outrage, that does not call for deep analysis mixed with dick and poop jokes. It is a story that calls for full-on, cheap-shot, schadenfreude-laden blatant mockery, so that's what I'm going to do. Sure, I could be the better man, but since this isn't a civics contest or a collection of Washington Post editorial writers, I think we can agree to dispense with that fucking noise post-haste.

You see, the Minnesota Republican Party has been served an eviction notice on its St. Paul headquarters.

Because it hasn't paid the rent.

Since August.

That's August, 2011.

You see, when an honest, American, hard-working family discovers it doesn't have enough money coming to pay for luxuries like a place to live, they have to make what Republicans call "hard choices". They can't just magically decide to raise their revenues, and apparently, neither can the Minnesota GOP. So it's time, I guess, for a tough conversation around the kitchen table, assuming the MNGOP can find someone willing to let them use a kitchen table for a while, and decide what to cut.

It's unfortunate, I know, but the MNGOP is going to have to live with the consequences of their poor life choices. Since all successful people got their success through hard work, clearly the MNGOP didn't work hard enough. We may never know why. They might be lazy. They might have never known the dignity of work, you know, like Mitt Romney wants the moms of toddlers to have. Maybe they just got too dependent on handouts. I hear that can happen.

Luckily, thanks to the Bush tax cuts, there are plenty of good, high-paying jobs available for the MNGOP if they need to get back on their feet. I hear the school where Newt Gingrich's kids go is looking for some janitors. What matters is that they pull themselves up by their bootstraps like the proper Randian individualists they are.

Now, it's certainly understandable that the Republicans might argue that their situation is fundamentally different than that of a family budget. And while we will have a hearty laugh at their expense for saying so, it is true. After all, this is not the typical response of a family receiving an eviction notice. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're not going to be evicted, and at the same time, are continuing to negotiate on the back payments as well as on a lease that better fits both our space needs and our budget." - MNGOP chairman Pat Shortridge.

Can you think of any family in America that could go eight months without paying the rent or the mortgage and still be in a position to "negotiate" on a hundred thousand dollars in back payments and a new rental arrangement? No. The renters would've been living in their car five months ago. If they were homeowners, a completely different bank than the one that owned the loan would have foreclosed on the house, changed the locks on the house next door by mistake, then set the entire neighborhood on fire, before citing a loophole in Dodd-Frank to pay only a $25,000 fine.

Or, to put it more succinctly, fuck these guys.

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