You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Nerd Moviemakers: STOP FUCKING IT UP.
We are in a golden age of nerd cinema, as evidenced by the fact that Marvel's going to make nine movies in the next four years, including Captain Marvel and Inhumans, because the money that Guardians of the Galaxy made went straight into Kevin Feige's testicles, apparently.
But not every nerdy intellectual property can be treated with the care and deftness that the Marvel movies can. Most of them can't even be treated with the half-assed throwaway borderline competence of the Ed Norton Hulk movie. Which is a shame, except when I want a pop-culture-themed SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
Case in point, Star Trek, a franchise for which a rapid degeneration into suckiness is apparently inherent. The first of the Trek reboot movies had promise. Everything is different, it said! Vulcan blew up! Spock's fucking Uhura! Scotty's best friend is a lawn gnome!
Then, the second movie taught us that things aren't that different after all, because this new universe also has a Khan, and Kirk and Spock somehow end up doing and saying a bunch of the same shit they did in 1982. And now, for the third movie, they're talking to Shatner about being in it.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Here's an idea, maybe try making more than one and a half movies before fully crawling up inside your own nerd asses, digging out the corn of your childhood, and plating it up to us as something new? Tell us a fucking story, don't just massage our nostalgia prostate so that cash shoots out of us.
They're making another Fantastic Four movie, because if they don't, they'll lose the rights and then Marvel Studios might get to make one. I mean, sure, the first two sucked, but maybe they learned their lesson and will do better this time. I know, let's check in with Miles Teller, the new Reed Richards! ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"You're dealing with these characters but you're making them real people in how they exist day-to-day. People wanted it to be taken more seriously than the kind of 'Dick Tracy,' kitschy, overly comic-book world."
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Certainly not with the Fantastic Fucking Four. The Fantastic Four should not be grounded. They should not be real people, existing day to day. They are 60s superscience. They are kitsch. The other two movies didn't do badly because they embraced the nature of the Fantastic Four, they in fact tried to be grounded and real too. And were also awful at it.
You know why Marvel movies work? Because their attitude is the right attitude. "Fuck you, it's a talking raccoon, deal with it." It's not embarrassed by the talking raccoon. It's not so insecure that it goes out of its way to make sure you know it doesn't really think a talking raccoon is awesome.
How about you take your day-to-day life, you shove it up your ass, and you make a movie about a stretchy guy, a rock guy, a fire guy, and a transparent woman beating the shit out of a mole man and a disfigured armored European dictator and do so unapologetically? Try that for a change.