The News

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Stop Making New Vince Fosters

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Memo to Sean Hannity: I WILL HAPPILY LET YOU BE A WINGNUT MARTYR IN EXCHANGE FOR THE END OF YOUR FUCKING CAREER.

As Donald Trump's popularity sinks lower and lower, and the scandals around him pile higher and higher, he's being forced to rely more and more heavily on a shrinking base of die-hard suporters who believe any bugfuck crazy thing he says as long as it's mean to liberals.

On a completely related note, last week, for the first time in 17 years, Fox News came in third in the cable news ratings in the most important demographic. This follows a series of sex scandals that first took down Roger Ailes before gravity could, and then took down Bill O'Reilly.

Panic and desperation has been known to cloud the judgment of the best of men, so imagine what it might do to a rancid turd with an unlimited hair care budget like Sean Hannity. Oh, wait, you don't have to imagine, because it's played out in the news and on social media over the last week.

Hannity has been obsessed with the right-wing conspiracy theory that DNC staffer Seth Rich's murder wasn't a random crime, but instead was a hit job by the DNC and Hillary Clinton as revenge for Rich leaking the DNC e-mails to Wikileaks, a thing Rich did not do. To help prove this, Hannity has partnered with New Zealand fugitive Kim Dotcom, who you only vaguely remember as that guy who did Internet piracy shit a decade ago because of his stupid fucking name.

Now, as anyone who's followed Greater Wingnutttia for any length of time knows, they tend to suffer from delusions of Democrats' graneur. Seth Rich is the latest in a long line of people the Clintons have supposedly killed or hurt, including, most notably, Vince Foster and a bunch of child sex slaves in the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement.

Hannity spent the better part of the last week flogging and promoting this sub-Breitbart-level bullshit on his TV show and his radio show and Twitter. And because I cannot stress this enough, the man primarily claiming to corroborate his story is a 44-year-old former software pirate with a ridiculous name holed up in fucking Hobbiton trying not to get extradited to the United States.

Why would he do this? Well, see, here's the thing. The DNC e-mail hack is the primary and most famous means by which Russia helped elect Donald Trump. If Sean Hannity's lizard-brain viewers can grab on to some conspiracy theory that undermines the idea that the Russians hacked the DNC, they can safely ignore everything that sprung from it, and what has sprung from it is what's currently unraveling the Trump presidency. I can't imagine Sean Hannity actually believes any of this, but he surely sees the utility of it.

Unfortunately, wildly hawking debunked conspiracy theories on a major cable news network occasionally and all-too-rarely results in public blowback, especially if you do it in a way that's clumsy and cruel and hurts innocent people like Rich's family. As a result of the blowback, Hannity announced that he'd stop SAYING the DNC murdered Seth Rich, though he wouldn't stop BELIEVING it. And now advertisers have started to pull out. We know how this story ends. It ends with Tucker Carlson pulling a double shift.

The only man that can save Sean Hannity is Donald Trump, and only by doing something else so boneheadedly stupid and illegal that "Hannity Is Losing Advertisers" stops being a national story long enough for the rest of the advertisers to stop looking bad if they don't pull their ads. For once, I hope Trump stays on his meds for another week.

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