The News

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A Welcome Uptick In The Unemployment Rate

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Memo to everyone: HAPPY BELATED BILL O'REILLY GOT CANNED DAY!

And don't any of you fuckers rain on my Bill O'Reilly Got Canned Day Parade. Because I don't want to hear it.

Don't tell me it should have happened thirteen years ago when he got sued for sexual harassment and we all learned he was gross in the shower and also didn't know the difference between a loofah and falafel. Of course it should have happened then. But it fuckin' happened now. PARADE TIME!

Don't tell me that it only happened because advertisers finally found it unpalatable enough to be associated with O'Reilly after two decades of racism and insanity. Of course they're reacting to accumulated public shame rather than any sense of actual values or ethics. Know what? I don't care, and neither should you. I'm gonna hit up all the Bill O'Reilly Got Canned Day sales this weekend.

Don't tell me Hannity's still there. I know Hannity's still there. I know the rest of the fucking pinheads who studied at O'Reilly's knee are still there, and Fox will still be Fox, and the right-wing media will shrug off the loss of O'Reilly just like it did the loss of Beck and just move on. That doesn't mean a bad thing didn't just happen to Bill O'Reilly, and frankly, these sparklers aren't going to light themselves.

And don't tell me he'll land on his feet, with the entire Wingnut Welfare alternate economy ready to pay his exorbitant legal settlements by buying his books and whatever bunker seeds, gold coins, and XXXL tactical vests he ends up hawking on late night TV after this. That we get to spend the next few years reading about small but loud protests at and about his future lucrative speaking gigs. Let me have this. I don't ask you for much. Just let me have this. I need this. YOU need this. And Bill O'Reilly's ass got canned. I'll drink to that.

And, for what may be the last time for a long time, allow me to remind you, as is my wont and my obligation, that Bill O'Reilly once went to a soul food restaurant full of black people and was shocked that they were acting like normal, civilized human beings. And that guy just got fired. So sit back, enjoy some Middle Eastern food and some hot chocolate, and smile. It's a good day.

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