Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

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Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

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"White Chicks" opens today.

I like to think that I don't have to say anything. After all, last week, people actually chose the vastly superior "Dodgeball" over the latest Tom Hanks / Spielberg piece of manipulative bullshit, "The Terminal". It is as if, perhaps, in some small way, you all are learning.

So, ideally, this would mean that I shouldn't need to say "don't go see 'White Chicks'". In much the same way that I shouldn't need to say "don't stick your genitals in an industrial press". It should be self evident. But since its only competition is a controversial documentary and Yet Another Titanicy English Patienty Flashback Love Story, aka 'The Notebook', odds are many Americans will start looking at the industrial press with a bit of a seductive gleam in the country's collective eye.

I mean, I suppose people could go see "Fahrenheit 9/11", but hell, we can just follow everyone else's lead for the past two weeks and spout off opinion about it without actually seeing it. Saves us eight bucks and two hours, and we'll be just as well informed as anyone else is.

And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a brief leave of my senses and come to the defense of Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney told Patrick Leahy to either "go fuck yourself" or "fuck you" or "fuck off" yesterday. This has caused a bit of an uproar, because it was on the Senate floor, and because if there's one name that's synonymous with decorum and integrity, it's DICK CHENEY.

Please. If this is the thing Cheney gets in trouble over, you're all completely bugfuck. I mean, I'll take it, because in politics, if an insane ref decides to fuck over the other team, you don't argue. But I won't be happy about it. As the world-renowned T-shirt says, f-bombs don't kill children. Cheney's been fucking up, and fucking over, all of you for the past three years, so if you're only going to get upset when he actually utters the verb, you fuckin' deserve him.

Politics needs more swearing, more yelling. Not less. You know why? Because the vaunted "level of discourse" is a big lie. Most of these people on opposite sides of the aisle do not like each other, and do not like what each other stand for. Most of the people on both sides of the aisle are there because they like the money and the power. And they know they gotta look good to stay where the money and the power is. So whenever they want to swear or yell or slap Zell Miller upside his fucking HEAD, they instead repress.

Look at Al Gore. Back when he was worried about getting into and staying in power, Gore was Captain Repression. Wound tighter than Ann Coulter's biological clock. Didn't dare say "boo" for fear of pissing off some constituency or another. And look at him now. Yellin' and screamin' and hootin' and hollerin' and smackin' people upside their FUCKING HEADS. I guarantee you, 95% of those of us that voted for Nader in 2000, even the ones (like Humble Author) who did so 'cause theywere safely in a blue state, would have voted for the real Al Gore. Instead, we got some bland robot fucker who kept the tone civil and lost the war.

Repression always comes back to bite you on the ass. Or comes back and asks you to bite a stranger on the ass while it watches. Just ask Jack Ryan. Midwestern, Republican, Illinois Senator Jack Ryan. Married to Jeri "Trek Virgin Masturbatory Fantasy Of Nine" Ryan until about four years ago. Up for re-election. Divorce papers released. Turns out Midwestern Repressed Republican liked taking his Borg Princess out to sex clubs and tried to get her to do things with strangers that'd make Kirk blush all the way down to his cloaca. OOPS. The then Mrs. Ryan refused, but then went on to have sex with Brannon Braga, so it obviously couldn't have been on the grounds of tastefulness and decorum.

So, what have we learned? A little swearing every once in a while is good for the soul, and the re-election campaign. At least, I hope so, because if that's true, this website should propel me into Global Dictator for Life status by 20-fuckety-12.

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