Idiots Say The Damndest Things

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Stupidity + Anatomy = Comedy

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Here's something you may not know about stupid people. Turns out, stupid people have organs called "mouths". Colloquially referred to as the piehole, the gob, the shitspout, or, in the case of Norm Coleman, "Where The Teeth Hold Dominion", this mouth is capable of exuding the most astonishing feats of illogic the world has ever seen. So today, I'd like to spotlight a few of these feats, in a segment I'd like to call "Idiots Say The Damndest Things".

"I don?t think Deep Throat is a hero. I think Deep Throat is a snake." - Pat Buchanan

Luckily, I trust Buchanan's opinion on herpetology about as much as I trust his opinion on immigration. And the color of my shoes, for that matter.

I love, by the way, that all the experts they're turning to to analyze whether W. Mark Felt did the right thing or not are all the aides, speechwriters (like Patty Patty Buke Buke), and convicted felons of the Nixon administration. Just because Liddy and Colton have served their time and moved on to lucrative careers in talk radio and Christian evangelism doesn't mean they weren't nose-deep in Nixon's shit. They got caught. Sent to prison. Their boss forced to resign in shame because he was dirty as hell and sloppy about it to boot. They helped him.

So maybe, just maybe, these aren't the people we should be turning to for a moral judgment on the matter? Or am I talking the crazy-talk again? Ignoring the realities of the 24-hour news cycle? Some kind of pundophobe? Fuck it. Doesn't really matter anyway, because as Deep Throats go, Felt isn't the guy anyone wanted it to be. You know you all wanted it to be Ben Stein. I know my demographic. Post-buellerites, the lot of you.

"I don't think there's a church-state issue, because it's not mandatory, and I say 'worship services' instead of 'church." - Kentucky Judge Michael Caperton

Caperton is being delusional in defense of his idea of innovative sentencing - giving people the option of going to jail, or getting out of their jail time by attending the aforementioned "worship services". Just a bunch of misdemeanor drug and alcohol offenders, but still. Even in Kentucky, you don't get out of separation of church and state just by changing the name of something. You have to change the name of it so that it pretends to remove the religious connotations. If they'e renamed Creationism "The Godmadeit Theory" instead of "Intelligent Design", you think they'd have gotten anywhere? OK, do you think they'd have gotten as far. As fast? No.

Here's some more from Caperton: "I saw that our drug problems were getting worse and worse and decided we needed to try something new. All the feedback I've gotten on it has been very positive." - First of all, you don't get to call religion "something new". Even Scientology's been around for decades by now. Hell, all the guys who put on purple sneakers and cut their balls off are making travel plans for their ten year reunion.

And second, of course all the feedback you've received on it has been positive. You live in KENTUCKY. Where thinking dinosaurs waved to Adam and Eve on the way to the tar pit for a bath qualifies you for a seat on the school board. You'll keep getting the positive feedback until the first guy you let out goes and hangs out with the Wiccans on the equinox. Or cuts off his balls and buys purple sneakers. Or as soon as anyone asks the ACLU, which they did, and no, they're not thrilled.

"Some people may think I'm a crazy nonsensical parent and I'm overzealous, but I feel okay with what I'm doing." - Michael Croteau, New Brunswick, Canada.

What he's doing, in case you were wondering, is waging a crazy, nonsensical overzealous war against that oppressor of human rights, Hockey Canada. You see, three years ago, Hockey Canada did not give Mr. Croteau's son an MVP award. Now I know hockey is more important in Canada than it is here, and I know it's more important here than it is to me, but when your son loses out on award, should you really sue the award-givers? That's what Dad decided to do.

And then, when he lost that case, and the hockey league suspended his kid because of the ongoing lawsuit, he filed a HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION complaint with Canadian authorities. Which he also lost. So now he's set up a web site, and is thinking of appealing his case to Canada's Supreme Court. Which doesn't handle nearly as many hockey-related cases as you might think. But, you know. He's okay with what he does. And so, he says, is his son, who coincidentally refuses to talk to reporters about it. Probably because, well, he's 19, he's in law school, and he wants a chance in Canada's frozen hell of getting laid at some point in his life.

While science has yet to find a way to actually stop dumb people from using their flatulent tongueholders, research is continuing into this pesky conundrum. And until that glorious day when You Are Dumb Brand Telepathic Self-Applying Duct Tape is loosed upon a grateful world, we'll just have to endure as best we can. For the sake of the children.

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