Idiots Say The Damndest Things

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Gratuitous Creed Joke Wednesday

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Before we begin, let's clear this up right off the bat. Vice President shoots Harry Whittington, Harry Whittington is all right: FUNNY. Vice President shoots Harry Whittington, Harry Whittington suffers heart attack. FUNNY. Even if Harry Whittington dies? FUNNY. The comedy becomes darker, becomes trickier, but it is still fuckin' funny. And don't let anybody tell you different.

And speaking of people who should not be allowed to tell you things, it's time for a special gay marriage edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

Sen. John Marty's arguments for same-sex marriage (Opinion Exchange, Feb. 13) certainly seem reasonable -- if one defines 'reasonable' as 'feels good.' But 'reasonable' has to do with reason (the intellect), not emotion. And reason tells us that God created man and woman to be man and woman for a very specific reason. We can defy God or we can do His Will. What Sen. Marty cannot do is expect us to join him in defying God. - Jerry Kassanchuk, Golden Valley, MN

If you're anything like me, and if you're reading this, odds are you're at least a little like me, you're feeling overwhelmed right now. There are so many things wrong in those 67 words that it can make the brain vapor-lock and leave the reader staring, mouth agape, pupils dilated, at the towering pile of stupidity it represents.

Here's a hint. The only thing that even remotely approaches something that, if you drive past it quickly enough, bears a vague resemblence to correct, is the bit about "But 'reasonable' has to do with reason (the intellect), not emotion." That's sort of right, in a very kindergarten, crayon, eating-paste sort of way. But leaping one tiny hurdle does not a successful steeplechase make.

Now, you probably haven't read John Marty's arguments for same-sex marriage. I hadn't. Marty raises the standard array of enlightened Christian/liberal thought - the Leviticus argument, plus a lot of tame stuff about not enshrining religious bigotry into the state constitution. It did not, as you might expect from an op-ed by an old former office-holder, reek of rampant hedonism.

Yes, gay marriage is all about feeling good! Woo! Custody rights TO THE EXTREME! Let's all get naked and negotiate power of attorney! Let's all get high and visit our loved ones in the hospital this weekend! I love retards like Jerry Kassanchuk who think that gay life is 20 years of non-stop dance numbers from "Priscilla", then death from AIDS.

And why, exactly, am I reading a lecture on REASON from someone who thinks it's the basis for belief in God's will? What? The fuck? Theologians are lining up to slap you, Jerry. I wanted to charge them admission, but my crack legal team has advised me it's best if it remains on a volunteer-only basis. Faith and reason are not synonyms.

And for that matter, even assuming God designed man and woman for a very specific reason, last time I checked, that reason wasn't so they could register at Bed Bath and Beyond, or get arrested for public drunkenness after tying the knot with a supermodel. In fact, I'm pretty much sure that every single aspect of Scott Stapp's life - birth, career, solo career, wedding, and arrest - has nothing to do with God's plan. Or that omnibenevolence thing is complete bullshit.

And when, exactly, did living in a state where other people are allowed to do things you don't like qualifies as "joining them in defying God's will"? We're not asking Jerry to marry a dude. That would be cruel not only for the dude, but for the entire gay community. We don't want to inflict Jerry on them. Nobody would enjoy that. All Jerry has to do is sit back, live in Golden Valley (admittedly, the gaypornnamest suburb in the Twin Cities metro, but still), and finally die, an ignorant son of a bitch without a shred of human compassion.

By doing so, Jerry, you will not be complicit with, or responsible for, in any way, for the happiness of any of those perverted, Village People freaks who decide to commit to each other. We absolve you. You and the bigoted freak-God you worship can stay on good terms. I'll even send you a certificate to that effect, and all you need to do is FUCK OFF.

Oh, and stop sending stupid shit to the newspaper.

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