Idiots Say The Damndest Things

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Idiots Continue To Speak

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Ah, stupid people. If we didn't have stupid people, we'd be healthier, happier, saner, and generally less annoyed. On the other hand, I'd have to devote this daily space to flowers, and I don't know shit about flowers. So in some ways, I guess it's great that IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS! Who's our first idiot for today?

"To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like $1 million."

Who, pray tell, is this mathematically-challenged individual for whom a mere two orders of magnitude don't matter? And does this discrepancy extend to other areas of her life? Does she, perhaps, tell people her boyfriend has a 300-inch penis? And what IS this stupid thing she did? Because I guarantee you, it's stupid.

The woman in question is Kari Smith, of Salt Lake City, Utah. And living in such close proximity to Mormons must have rubbed off on her, because she went and did the least ninja-like thing ever for ten grand - she got a tattoo. On her forehead. In inch-high black block letters. And that tattoo says: GOLDENPALACE.COM.

Yes, THAT GoldenPalace.com. The online casino that stumbled across what is admittedly a fairly brilliant ad scheme - cruise eBay for the most retarded, ridiculous items they can find, and then buy them, ensuring news coverage for a media that can't get enough Wacky Auction stories. Virgin Mary in toast? Jar full of Brad Pitt's expelled air? Fence from the grassy knoll? If it'll get them column-inches, they'll buy it. So when they stumbled across Smith's sad, sad auction, offering her forehead as ad space, they pounced.

How sad was it? Smith had only managed to pull in less than a grand in bids before GP met her price. Sure, ten grand seems like a lot for a forehead, but when you look at her, and price it out by the square inch, it's actually quite reasonable. And why did she do this? To send her child to private school, presumably in the hopes that he'll learn the difference between ten thousand and one million. Not sure if he'll get to that topic on ten grand worth of private schooling, but who knows?

And now, it's time to move on to our next game: SPANISH OR CANADIAN?! It's simple. I'll give you two quotes about gay marriage - one from Spain, where it just became legal, and one from Canada, where it's about to. And you just need to figure out which is which. ACTUAL QUOTE GAME TIME!

"(This) is effectively exposing people of faith to persecution and prosecution ... I want to make it very clear today that this is the beginning of the formal fight against the definition of marriage."

"Marriage, understood as the union of a man and a woman, is no longer provided for in our laws. It is necessary to oppose these unfair laws through all legitimate means."

And the answer is... it doesn't fucking matter! Because they lost, and we're laughing at them. And they'll keep losing, because when Spain and Canada, like Belgium, the Netherlands, and Vermont, fail to sink into a quagmire of moral decay, orgies, and man-on-dog action, the bigot's side gets weaker and weaker. Sucks to be you.

OK, time to finish up with the MULTIPLE CHOICE LIGHTNING ROUND! Who said the following, and when?

"There's evidence everywhere. We get access to it. Unfortunately others don't. But the evidence is very clear. I'm saying that Saddam Hussein -- and I think you're losing track of what we're trying to talk about here -- Saddam Hussein and people like him were very much involved in 9/11."

Was this:

  1. Dick Cheney, during the run-up to the Iraq War?
  2. Some paranoid right-wing blog, at any time during the last four years?
  3. The vice-chairman of the House subcommittee on terrorism, Robin Hayes (R-NC), last motherfucking week?

If you answered #3, then you have the same grasp of the completely obvious this column often displays. But obvious or otherwise, there will always be idiots, and they will always SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

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