Gay Issues

Helping The World Through Compassionate Dick Jokes

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Memo to Ryan Muehlhauser: YOU ARE ALLEGEDLY DUMB AND ALLEGEDLY PROBABLY VERY VERY GAY.

With the election over and politics sort of kind of on the back burner at You Are Dumb Dot Net, it's time to talk about sex again. Specifically, the sex scandal that's on everyone's mind right now.

No, not the David Petraeus thing. Since I never idolized the guy, I'm not particularly shocked at how stupid he was. I mean, fucking his biographer? I can just imagine the conversation.

"Yeah, I'm seeing this awesome lady on the side. And the best part? I know she'll never tell. What does she do for a living? Oh, I tell her all the details of my life, and then, when I'm done, she sells them to people for money. IT'S THE PERFECT AFFAIR."*

No, I'm talking about an even better sex scandal. Allegedly, of course, because the man has been charged, but not tried in a court of law. So everything from this point forward should be treated as allegedly, where appropriate. Or, more accurately, where wildly inappropriate. Allegedly.

The man in question? Rev. Ryan Muehlhauser, Muehlhauser is 55 years old and works with Outpost ministries, an ex-gay operation out of Robbinsdale. A town where, coincidentally, I've had some of the finest oral experiences in the Twin Cities Metro. Thanks, Victory 44, which is a restaurant and therefore I am not talking about getting my dick sucked hence the joke!

Muehlhauser is accused of fondling two men he was counseling to help them rid themselves of their homosexuality over the course of two years, and asking one of the men to masturbate in front of him for spiritual strength.

I don't think I've really properly stressed this in my past condemnation of ex-gay ministries. I've said in the past that they're horrible places where horrible people, you know, like Michele Bachmann's husband, engage in harmful, bigoted, religious persecution masquerading as "therapy" and irreparably damaging people who've been convinced by these same harmful religious bigots that their same-sex attraction is a broken part of them that needs fixing in the first place. All of this is still true.

But the other danger of ex-gay ministries is that, by definition, they have got to be chock-full of people who've convinced themselves that they're not gay anymore.

And if they can convince themselves they're not gay anymore, they can convince themselves of anything, including the idea that the bestest way to help someone not be gay anymore is to rub their dick and watch them jack off. Which means situations absolutely rife for abuse of power, sexual abuse, inappropriate fondling, and all the type of things that allegedly happened in Robbinsdale.

Look, if you don't want to be gay anymore, I empathize. You're in a tough situation. But you don't get to not be gay anymore, so you might as well get around to accepting it. The people who are telling you they can fix you are charlatans and snake-oil salesmen.

And the only thing worse than a snake-oil salesman is a snake-oil salesmen who won't stop touching you with his snake.

*If you enjoyed that joke half as much as I love it, then you enjoyed it very, very much. You're welcome.

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