Politics

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Huckleberry Fever! If You Catch It, See A Doctor!

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Memo to Lindsey Graham: YOU ARE A STRONG CONTENDER.

Lindsey Graham entered the presidential race last week, and he deserves his own special column, because Lindsey Graham is a strong contender for most ridiculous Republican running for president in 2016.

These are bold words, I know. Ben Carson is running for President, after all. So is Ted Cruz. But Lindsey Graham is a special kind of special. He is often mocked and portrayed as a Southern belle, prone to fits of the vapors, and it is barely satire. The great thing about Lindsey Graham is that he has my favorite combination of personality flaws. He is batshit insane, and he has the lack of a personal filter born of decades of being both an old white dude and a Senator.

Take, for example, his recent statement regarding Iranians, pool halls, and lying. While the story going around thanks to a slightly errant transcription - that Lindsey Graham believes that Iranians are fundamentally dishonest - is not the case, what he actually said is in many ways crazier. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Everything I learned about Iranians I learned working in the pool room. I met a lot of liars, and I know the Iranians are lying."

It's a testament to how batshit this is that nobody seems to know whether or not Lindsey Graham encountered Iranians in his pool hall, liars, or both. But think about it. Lying in a pool hall essentially consists of hustling, which is lying about how good a pool player you are in order to lure people into making big bets on games thinking they'll win. And Lindsey Graham is citing this experience to tell that the Iranian diplomats we're in negotiations with, in negotiations where Lindsey Graham IS NOT PRESENT, are clearly lying.

The above statement also makes it blatantly clear that when Lindsey Graham says, and he did, that people shouldn't vote for him if they don't want more war in the Middle East, he is not kidding. This isn't posturing. Lindsey Graham straight up believes that if we don't bomb and invade the Middle East, and soon, they are going to murder us all in a well. This is a man who's come out and said that anything with "al-" in front of it is "bad news". Which is basically the geopolitical racist equivalent of saying every movie that starts with the word "The" sucks.

This is important, because over the weekend, Lindsey Graham said that if Caitlyn Jenner wants to vote Republican, he's happy to let her. This led to the Christian Science Monitor to refer to Graham, in a headline, as a "relative progressive", which not only requires a sufficiently loose definition of "relative" and "progressive", but a sufficiently loose definition of "sufficiently loose definition".

All Graham is doing is suppressing his natural instinct to express revulsion and deny basic humanity to a group of people in an attempt to convince them to vote for him even though his policies directly oppose their success and happiness. It shouldn't be a shock Graham is good at that. As a southern Republican, he's been doing it for African-Americans for over a decade.

Ultimately, what matters is that Lindsey Graham is a special kind of crazy. The kind that we accept, for some reason, from a long-standing senator, but which we still, thankfully, pay attention to from time to time when uttered by someone running for president.

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