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The Rainbow Conniption

« August 2006 »

Memo to Meade, Kansas: YOU ARE DUMB.

What, I didn't hate Kansas enough? The Midwest's own Midwest. The part of the country flyover country has to fly over to get between the semi-interesting places around here. And in the southwestern fuck-all corner of the state, so close to the Oklahoma panhandle you can smell James Inhofe's bullshit when the wind blows north, sits the small town of Meade.

Meade, Kansas. A lovely place. A bit fuzzy, if Google Earth is anything to go by, but I guess the satellites don't need to focus on Meade too closely, because the fine citizens of the town have their eyes peeled for any unsavory influences that might infiltrate their town, and they're willing to do something about it.

And that's why, for the time being, there's no rainbow flag over a Meade bed and breakfast.

You see, the citizens of Meade know that a rainbow flag is code for queers. And there are no queers in Kansas, no sir. They don't tolerate that sort of thing in Meade. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"To me it's just like running up a Nazi flag in a Jewish neighborhood. I can't walk into that establishment with that flag flying because to me that's saying that I support what the flag stands for and I don't." - Keith Klassen. You tell 'em, Klassen! After all the genocide straights have suffered at the hands of homosexuals, forcing breeders to look upon a rainbow flag is completely uncalled for, and I'm so glad Klassen had the courage to say what we dare not, for fear of the violent reprisal by the oppressive gay majority.

"It's hard enough to keep your kids on the straight and narrow without outside influences like that. We stay in a small town to stay away from the crap like that that's happening in big cities." - waitress Vicki Best.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. You stay in a small town because you're too stupid to determine which way OUT is. And because you wouldn't last five minutes in a town with more than 2,000 people without having a panic attack and running to the nearest Wal-Mart to huddle in the housewares department and hyperventilate. My god, you might see a man in leather chaps! If a rainbow flag over a bed and breakfast is enough to turn your kids gay, five minutes on the Internet would turn them into a bunch of little Pinyans.

Of course, you'd think it'd serve those homos right. How dare they challenge the prejudices of small-town Kansas? Just leave them alone to wallow in their bigotry and ignorance. Let them hate and point from afar at all the wickedness in society, thinking they're safe in their enclave in the Midwest.

There's just one problem. J.R. Knight, owner of the bed and breakfast, isn't gay. His wife, Robin, isn't gay either. And while it's too early to be sure, odds are their twelve year old son isn't gay either. I mention the son because he's the one that sent the Knights the flag they flew. Not as a symbol of gay pride, but as a souvenier. From a Wizard of Oz theme attraction in California.

THAT'S the flag that got the town up in arms. THAT'S the flag that's brought out the worst of the worst of the worst of the Midwest. That's the flag these pigfuckers cut down last week. That's the flag that prompted this statement from Charles Helms, who probably thinks he's being progressive:

"If he wants to fly that thing, let him fly it. I don't have a problem at all because I know the story behind it."

See? People can be reasonable in Meade. Helms is perfectly willing to accept that the rainbow flag doesn't automatically mean homosexuals are great, and under those circumstances, he's comfortable with it. That's fucking lovely.

I'll give the Knights credit, though. They're not giving up. They've ordered two more flags, they've gone out of their way to stress that all the homosexuals who might want to visit Meade, KS in a moment of temporary complete fucking insanity are welcome to stay at their place. It'd be easy for them to back down from the hateful pigfuckers they accidentally awoke with seven colors of cloth.

Me, I'd dust off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

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