You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Memo to Steve Lonegan: I ANXIOUSLY AWAIT YOUR LOSS.
So, Newark mayor and occasional dude-saver Cory Booker is running for Senate, and all indications are that he will succeed. And there are certainly some issues with that. Booker's a bit of a political enigma in terms of actual policies, preferring to let his image do the talking. And he's got some questionable ties to Wall Street and Silicon Valley. But in his defense, he's not Steve Fucking Lonegan.
Lonegan is the opposite of Booker in nearly every way. Booker is affable. Lonegan is a douchebag. Booker is smart. Lonegan is not. Booker doesn't particularly care whether or not people think he's gay. Steve Lonegan cares so much that people might think he's gay that it spills over to being uncomfortable with people thinking Cory Booker is gay. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
“As a guy, I personally like being a guy. I don’t know if you saw the stories last year, they’ve been out quite a bit, about how he likes to go out at three-o’clock in the morning for a manicure and a pedicure. Maybe that helps him get the gay vote, by acting ambiguous. Although I don’t like going out in the middle of the night, or any time of day, for manicures and pedicures. It was described as his peculiar fetish, is how it was described. I have a more peculiar fetish: I like a good Scotch and a cigar, that’s my fetish. But we’ll just compare the two.”
Since Lonegan is so concerned about "the gay vote", let's score his statement in terms of how much it will help him get the gay vote.
Confusing orientation with gender loses him 100% of the gay vote. Going out of his way to highlight Booker's alleged late-night mani-pedis, another 50% of the gay vote gone. Claiming that gay people vote based on late-night mani-pedis loses him another 75% of the gay vote.
He loses 20% of the gay vote just for using the word "ambiguous", another 10% for the way he used the word "fetish", and then gets 30% of the gay vote back for saying he has a fetish for cigars, because we've all read Freud and seen overcompensating before.
Which means, by my calculations, Lonegan should lose a startling 220% of the gay vote. That means that every single gay person in New Jersey will be looking for a way to not vote for Lonegan for a second thing, and a bunch are going to try not to vote for him for a third. Let's hope Lonegan doesn't have any elections planned after this one.
But lest you think Lonegan's an unreconstructed Neanderfuck only when confronted by the possibility of someone not conforming to a view of masculinity only seen these days in Anchorman sequels, here's Lonegan, on MSNBC, when asked how he'd help single mothers.
"To tell you the truth, I’m tired of single mothers being used as the poster child for the welfare state.”
Yeah, damn those single mothers for being all sympathetic and shit, keeping me from portraying the welfare state as a bunch of lazy, shiftless, n...ewjerseyites not smart enough or good enough to waste six months of everyone's time losing an election and the rest of everyone's time with a cushy Americans For Prosperity wingnut welfare gig.
And lest you think he's tactless on camera, here's how he described that moment off-camera:
“The guy hit that funny bone of mine with his single mom shit. I hate that shit. I’ve said it over and over again."
Um, that's not a funny bone. That guy hit your asshole button. And not, judging by your cigar fetish, in the way you'd secretly prefer. If only losing this election would end your public presence, but that's not a thing that happens anymore. At least you'll get a chance to finish losing the gay vote.