Headlines

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Above The Fold, Below The Belt

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Memo to OneNewsNow: THANKS FOR THE WORDS.

One of the effects of my meddling with the time-stream on Friday is the inexplicable return of You Are Dumb features abandoned years ago. For example, from time to time, back in the early years of the column, I'd ignore stories and details and just focus on the headlines, the idea being that how the stories were sold was as important as the stories themselves. Either that, or I just had a backlog of funny-sounding headlines a couple of times. I can't remember which it was now.

Anyway, I get a lot of e-mail from wingnut Internet "news" source OneNewsNow, and these e-mails consist almost entirely of headlines, including one headline that becomes the e-mail subject. Presumably, OneNewsNow figures I will be enticed by the headline, click through to the e-mail, and discover the truth the liberal mainstream media doesn't want me to know. But that's too much work. And why should they be the only ones who get to ignore context to suit their agenda?

31,173 nationwide help make handwritten Bible

Assuming this isn't the punchline to "How many Christians does it take to screw up Genesis", this headline raises two important questions. First, were any of these people familiar with Barnes & Noble, and second, did anyone check it for errors? Or did they just assume that the divine hand of God would make sure all thirty-one thousand of them spelled everything correctly, just like He did back when ALL the Bibles were hand-written?

Lawsuit targets televangelist Creflo Dollar

I'm sorry, there's a televangelist named CREFLO DOLLAR? I know that televangelism by definition preys on the weak-minded and gullible, but much like the Shmuckler mortgage refinancing, if you believe that a man who fate has cruelly named Creflo Dollar has an insight into the one true word of God, then you deserve to lose all your money in fees to, say, a service that sends godly text messages to your cellphone.

Chicago children march in gay pride parade...or not This headline shows the true journalistic integrity of OneNewsNow, as they cover all the bases. Imagine what it would do for the news world if other organizations adopted the "...or not" terminology to their headlines? Corrections would become a thing of the past, and all the journalists and pundits who now lose their credibility and their jobs after making obvious factual errors would have a "get out of trouble free" card they could play to stay on the air after fucking up.

Senate confirms trans-nationalist to State Dept."

I have to assume that "trans-nationalist" is one of those tinfoil-hat code words for someone wingnuts don't like for some fucked-up crazy reason. At this rate, soon the State Department will be chock-full of trans-nationalists, trans-genderists, trans-fattists, and trans-siberianorchestrists. Each with access to their own trans-black helicopter and trans-government mind control ray.

Holder fails to explains [sic] why 'hate crimes' legislation is necessary

Real-world version of this headline: Conservative sticks fingers in ears, yells "la la la la I can't hear you" while the Attorney General tries to explain to him why he can't beat up gay people in his spare time.

Tobacco regulations patrol personal decisions, behavior

Laws that seek to regulate personal decisions and behavior are BAD. Unless those decisions and behavior are really, really gay. I mean, gayer than taking a flaming hot stick, shoving it in your mouth, and sucking on it until you feel light-headed.

ACORN changes name in hopes to change image

See? We told you ACORN was evil! Just like any organization that changes its name is evil, like, um, Blackwater and AEI. But ACORN's especially evil, because it's not ACORN that's changing its name, it's a former subsidiary of ACORN whom ACORN asked to stop calling itself ACORN International. I mean, how evil is that? EVIL!

Obama's creeping submission to homosexual activists

I can only imagine the conversation that must have gone on in OneNewsNow's offices over this headline. "Yeah, it's good, but is there any way we could make it sound like Obama is even more gay? Can we work "bend over" into it somewhere? Maybe say the gays are "sticking it to" him? No? Well, write those down, we'll use 'em next time."

Offering living water to homosexuals

OK, what the fuck? This one I had to look at. Ah, awesome. Turns out some "well-meaning" churchy douchebag headed down to the Boise gay pride parade to hand out bottled water to the marchers. Which sounds nice, except he got a church to put its logo and the "living water" scripture from John 4:13 on the bottles. I don't know what that scripture says, because I've already done more digging for this than I want to, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

The douchebag, Tom Munds, says he wants to debunk the media myth that Christians hate homosexuals and vice versa. But if he really didn't hate homosexuals, he'd take the water to the parade and leave the logos and the proselytizing at home. Helping your fellow man with no strings attached is Christian. Helping your fellow man in the hopes that he'll read your religious message, come to the church you've advertised, and deny the attractions he was born with? That's pure asshole.

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