Culture War

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The Two Percent Solution

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Memo to Louie Gohmert: YOU NEED TO CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

If you remember, two Wednesdays ago I mentioned that in addition to saying crazy shit about Michele Bachmann's Muslim Brotherhood witch hunt, he said some seriously crazy shit about the Aurora shooting.

And he did. To such an astonishing degree that America's Stupidest Congresscritter, Iowa's Steve King, got spooked and had to come out in favor of dogfighting and birtherism just to keep his top spot. Seriously. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We have been at war with the very pillars, the very foundation of this country … and when … you know … what really gets me as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs and then a senseless, crazy act of terror like this takes place." - Gohmert, on right-wing talk radio, of course.

Now, this is some pretty shitty stuff. Tying the Batman shootings to the not-even-real "war" against Christianity as if they were somehow linked, even though they're not, and not just because one of them is imaginary. But it's also boilerplate. It's the same shit Pat Robertson and every other Jesus-freak says during a tragedy. All tragedies not directly caused by Christians are God's vengeance, and all the ones actually caused by Christians are the senseless, apolitical acts of a lone disturbed individual.

But Gohmert doesn't stop at the boilerplate. He actually goes on to say God deliberately let those people in Aurora die because we don't let schoolkids pray to Jesus.

"You know, when people say, where was God in all of this? Well, you know, we don’t let … in fact we’ve threatened high school graduation participants that if they use God’s name that they’re going to be jailed, we had a principal of a school, and a superintendent or a coach down in Florida that were threatened with jail because they said the blessing at a voluntary off-campus dinner. I mean, that kind of stuff … where is God? Where, where? What have we done with God? We told him that we don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present."

First of all, no, nobody's being jailed if they use God's name in a graduation ceremony. They might be penalized if they knowingly and deliberately violate a court injunction against specific religious invocations at a public school event, because THAT SHIT IS STILL ILLEGAL, but there aren't federal thought-police watching over every graduation ceremony. And he doesn't even know who the victim was in the Florida case, so he probably made that up, too.

Actually, no. That's giving Gohmert too much credit. Someone who made it up forwarded it to him in an e-mail, and he believed it. And now he thinks that's why God's protective hand didn't catch the bullets, because, you know, God's doing that kind of thing all the fucking time.

But even that isn't the stoup de grace. You see, there's a study. Louie Gohmert knows about it, but you don't, and maybe never will. It's the Canadian girlfriend of scientific studies. And you know what it says? Of course you don't, because you can't see it. But Louie knows.

"What they found, and I don’t know if they will make it public – one of the participants told me ‘ the results may not go public’; but, all of the people who committed suicide, within their thousands of people studied, were part of the 2 percent most atheistic members of the military. We’ve lost our faith.”

See? The dramatic rise in military suicides isn't caused by the horrors of war, the prolonged occupation of two countries, or the stop-loss and multiple consecutive deployments that kept them away from their families. It's because all those damn atheists don't believe in God, and so they kill themselves after being in a war.

Why isn't someone asking Louie Gohmert a simple question. How, exactly, do you measure the "two percent most atheistic members of the military"? What does that mean? Most atheistic? Do some of them believe in God a little bit? That's not a thing, this study isn't a thing, and Texas congressman Louie Gohmert is an insane, stupid, lying sack of shit who shouldn't be allowed near my medium order of French fries, much less the laws I have to follow every day.

We haven't abandoned God as a country. We've fucking well abandoned having standards.

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