Culture War

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« September 2011 »

Memo to various shitheads: IT IS THE YEAR TWO THOUSAND AND ELEVEN.

And if you would be so kind, please read that sentence in deep, stentorian tones, with all the reverb your imagination can muster. Because we are living in the FUTURE. We have magic paper that can pull, out of the air, the name of that guy who's playing the dolphin on NTSF:SD:SUV::. We have electric cars, sort of. And fuck, we have NTSF:SD:SUV::.

All those things would point toward a utopian future. Unfortunately, for every one thing that indicates that the future is a shining place filled with technological wonder and fifteen-minute procedural parodies, there are one-and-a-half to two things that indicate we are living in a dystopian nightmare. Put those things together, and I hereby coin the following term to describe the new millennium. Mehtopia.

One of the hallmarks of a mehtopian society is an abundance of Overthis Scenarios. Overthis Scenarios are scenarios that, when they are revealed to you, the first thing you ask yourself is, "Wait, aren't we over this yet?" In a Mehtopia, you're never really over it. Some fuckhead will create an Overthis Scenario just because they have nothing better to do.

For example, the One Million Moms. That's a branding thing - I presume they don't work furiously to keep their membership at precisely six orders of magnitude. In fact, I'd be shocked if any of these moms could count.

The One Million Moms are a bunch of conservative family values types, one of the latest Moral Majority splinter groups designed to protect us from sex, cursing, poop jokes, and all the other things that MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING. Their latest target? Ice cream. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Please send Ben & Jerry's Public Relations Manager, Sean Greenwood, an email letter requesting that no additional Schweddy Balls ice cream be distributed. Also, highly recommend they refrain from producing another batch with this name or any other offensive names or you will no longer be able to purchase their products."

Oh, so many things to mock, like the word "batch", which they use repeatedly in their call to boycott an ice cream named after part of the crotch. And the request to call Greenwood about your Schweddy Balls problem. Also also, why are a million (MOE +/- 1,000,000) moms buying that super-premium liberal hippie ice cream anyway? They themselves point out that the limited edition "Hubby Hubby" gay marriage ice cream is also offensive.

Wait, weren't we over organizing national boycotts over mildly naughty innuendo in the public sphere? Nope. Mehtopia.

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania, a high school can't put on the musical "Kismet". I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't have to wear a turban.

Kismet, written an entire fucking century ago, is about a Muslim street poet 1,000 years ago, and Muslims attacked us on 9/11, and one of the planes crashed in Pennsylvania, and it's ten years later, and no, we're not over this yet either. Watch Superintendent Thomas Fleming do the Dance of the Seven Veils, waving colorful scarves to keep you from noticing that he's full of shit.

"We're not saying there's anything bad about the musical. We may potentially produce it in the future." - Well, you actually are saying there's something wrong with it by buckling to complaints from pig-ignorant rural Pennsylvanians who obviously think there's something wrong with it, or they wouldn't have complained in the first place.

Fleming also said he made the move to not "risk controversy", which of course he created instantly and on a national level as soon as word of his decision spread. That's what happens when you're a dumbass in the Information Age.

And speaking of 9/11, Tony Bennett apologized, because did I mention we're not over this shit yet? Here's what he apologized for saying. On, of all places, the Howard Stern show.

"They flew the plane in but we caused it. Because we were bombing them and they told us to stop."

Not the most subtle political commentary, but appropriate for the venue. Terrorism is a form of asymmetrical warfare, and the "asymmetrical" never, ever refers to small attacks versus no attacks. We've been blowing up shit on the other side of the world for decades without consequence. If they hate us for any freedom, it's the freedom to blow them up a bit anytime the President needs a bump in the polls.

But to this day, you can't say that if you're famous. Especially if you're famous and your meal ticket is belting out sixty-year-old standards to ninety-year-old audiences. So Bennett trotted out the same hoary, jingoistic bullshit nearly everyone else who's attempted nuance in the past decade was forced to say. "Blah blah no excuse for terrorism blah murder blah blah blahbity 3,000 innocent victims blah blah our country buy Duets II in stores now."

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what it's like to live in a Mehtopia. Which reminds me, if Ben and Jerry's wants to make a Mehtopia ice cream, you know how to reach me. I'm thinking cold-flavored ice cream with chunky chunks of chunk.

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