Field Research

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« September 2007 »

Memo to Dare2Share: STOP IT.

But before we begin, a quick memo to you, over there, in the crowd, at the concert*: THE BAND CAN'T HEAR YOU. I don't know how much you know about acoustics, but if there are four to five hundred other people laughing, talking, and cheering, the guys whose job it is to send sound outward are not going to pick up a whole lot coming in the other direction. So stop yelling.

Because even if they do hear you, they've already got a plan for how this shit is going to go down, and they're not going to change it because your drunk ass wants to hear the song they're probably going to play anyway whether you shout it or not. Yes, there are situations where a small enough band in a small enough club might take your requests. This is traditionally signaled by them asking you for them. But if the band seems to have elaborate lighting cues for songs planned in advance, you're not gonna get them to deviate from the set list.

Right. Now, speaking of behavior that's likely to get you punched in the head, I thought it'd be fun to return to Dare2Share, the Christian youth ministry website whose unspoken missionary statement is to turn Christian youth into ostracized, lonely teenagers with an appreciation for crucifixion that can only be gained by daily hanging wedgies.

As you may recall, they have a section of their website instructing students on how to "share their faith" by tying it in to current teen pop culture phenomena. As in phenomenally bad idea.

Case in point. Right at the top of the list now is "How to share your faith using See You At The Pole 2007. Now, without even knowing what See You At The Pole is, my first instinctive reaction is to say "See you at MY pole." And I'm a grown adult. Albeit one whose love of dickjokery borders on the rococo**. I can't imagine it would go any better in homeroom.

It turns out it's an annual Christian prayer event where all the kids gather around the flagpole and pray, presumably a reaction to being kicked out of classrooms by the ACLU. I think it says something that the site feels the need to tell teens how to share their faith using an event designed for teens to share their faith.

In the missed opportunities department, while there IS a "How to share your faith using High School Musical 2" in the list (there's no better teen relationship than a relationship with Jesus!), there is NOT a "How to share your faith using those naked pictures of the chick who plays Gabrielle being a garden-variety webcam Girl Gone Wild". If the students won't come to the pole, bring the poles to the students.

And, just so you know it's not because Dare2Share is afraid of being hideously tacky, there's an entry on "How to share your faith using Owen Wilson's Story", which basically boils down to "If Owen Wilson had turned to God, he wouldn't have tried to kill himself." CLASSY. Whose personal tragedy would Jesus exploit?

*The astute reader will do the math, figure out why there was no column yesterday and a cheap-shot column today, and gain a fascinating insight into my daily life. Nobody said being astute was particularly rewarding.

**Or rococko.

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