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No Puns In The Title For Reasons That Will Become Apparent

« June 2014 »


Despite the best efforts of everyone involved in it to pretend otherwise, politics has never been dignified. We laugh when candidates tell us they're not a witch, or they have hog castration experience, or are Herman Cain, as if they're some kind of aberration, a brief distraction from the sober Discussion Of Important Issues that makes up the bulk of politics. But it's not the aberration. It is politics.

This week, a man in a squirrel suit showed up at stops on Hillary Clinton's book tour. She's not even officially running for president yet. I mean, we all know she's running. Were she to decide not to run, we'd have to immediately launch an investigation into alien pods replacing people with exact duplicates. Or, as it would be known on Twitter, PODGHAZI.

The point is, in a political stunt worthy of the name "political stunt", the Republican National Committee sent a giant squirrel suit to Hillary's book signings in order to hand out "fact sheets" explaining how awful Hillary Clinton is. Why a squirrel? Well, there are two answers to that question. One of them is incredibly stupid. The other is true, and is therefore even more incredibly stupid.

You see, the squirrel is wearing a T-shirt. And the t-shirt has a slogan. And the slogan is vaguely squirrel-related. ACTUAL SLOGAN TIME!

"Another Clinton in the White House is NOTS"

Let me clarify. Technically, the final word in the slogan is spelled N, Picture Of An Acorn, T, S. Now, the RNC would have you believe that an acorn, filled in completely, and tilted at a slight angle, resembles a "U", making the last word "NUTS", but I've seen the T-shirt, and I know typography. But let's pretend it's a U. That makes the slogan sort of funny, if you're eight, it's 1973, and you just bought a pack of Bazooka bubble gum.

The squirrel has a Twitter account, because of course it does. And it used #Benghazi twice in less than 24 hours, so you know it's very serious about national security and foreign policy for a Young Republican intern in a motherfucking squirrel suit.

This is all, as I mentioned above, incredibly fucking stupid. But it gets better. No, the squirrel's not gay. Well, he might be closeted and channeling a nut obsession, I don't know. But my point is, the squirrel suit is a hand-me-down from 2008. Yes, 2008.

Remember ACORN? The organization that used to help poor and minority people until the Republicans decided to publicly denounce that as evil and demonize ACORN and run them out of business using James O'Keefe's shoddily-edited pimp sting and then continued to demonize them for at least two years after they ceased to exist?

ACORN. Squirrel. Get it? It's an eight year old anti-Obama squirrel suit being clumsily rebranded as an anti-Clinton squirrel suit. I thought Republicans didn't believe in recycling? Couldn't they have diverted one half of one percent of Eric Cantor's campaign steak money towards buying a new mascot suit? Maybe one that thematically tied in with all of your standard attacks on Hillary?

I mean, how much would it cost for a caricature of a brain-damaged elderly man-hating feminist pushing a walker and dragging the murdered corpse of Vince Foster behind it? Plus, eight years later, you could re-use it for whoever the Democrats nominate next by, I don't know, slapping a shitty CafePress T-shirt on it or something.

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