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So Crisp, So Refreshing

« April 2013 »


This has been, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the shittiest weeks for news junkies in recent history. And that's without taking into account Minnesota spring weather, which I think we can all agree needs to eat a bag of dicks and die screaming. So I think what we all need is a news story we can enjoy. Some good, old-fashioned schadenfreude.

So it is with great joy and gratitude that I watch the second consecutive political disintegration of Mark Sanford. Thanks, asshole!

Two weeks ago, Mark Sanford, who famously flamed out as governor of South Carolina when his pretend trip to "hike the Appalachian Trail" turned out to be a real trip to visit his SECRET ARGENTINIAN MISTRESS*, won a Republican primary to try to fill the seat vacated by Jim DeMint. Sanford was the beneficiary of what I have dubbed the Vitter Rule, which states that your political career cannot be ended by anything less embarrassing than hooker + diapers.

Well, Sanford's accumulated sins might be approaching that Vitter threshold. A day or so ago, it came out that Sanford was caught trespassing at his ex-wife's house back in January. Now, this seems creepy. He's engaged to his S.A.M., after all. What's he doing around the back of his ex-wife's house using his cellphone as a flashlight? Well, don't worry. Sanford has a perfectly reasonable explanation. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I did indeed watch the second half of the Super Bowl at the beach house with our 14-year-old son because as a father I didn’t think he should watch it alone. Given she was out of town I tried to reach her beforehand to tell her of the situation that had arisen, and met her at the back steps under the light of my cellphone when she returned and told her what had happened.”

See? He was just being a good parent, making sure his fourteen-year-old son didn't watch the second half of the Super Bowl without proper supervision. Because, as we all know, the second half of the football game is when all the potentially unsavory content is. Makes total sense. I mean, fourteen is awfully young to be exposed to the second half of a football game.

Only problem is, under his divorce agreement, he's not allowed to do that. And his ex's lawyers say it's a pattern. Which means he might have shown up during the second halves of regular season football games, or maybe some NCAA tournament stuff because we all know what basketball can do to an impressionable teen.

The point is, it's weird and it's wrong and on top of everything else in Sanford's life, it appears to be too much for even Republicans, because yesterday, Sanford got this ringing endorsement from the National Republican Congressional Committee:

"Mark Sanford has proven he knows what it takes to win elections. At this time, the NRCC will not be engaged in this special election."

In other words, good luck, buddy, but you'll have to manage without any of our money, because you're an epic fuckup. And when the NRCC is calling you an epic fuckup, you know it's time to examine your life choices.

Man, that felt good, didn't it? I knew it would.

*Creating, as a result, one of the all-time favorite phrases I've ever gotten to write as part of this column. SECRET ARGENTINIAN MISTRESS!

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