Election 2004

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The Lighter Side

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Memo to liberal troublemakers: YOU ARE ZANY.

As we head into the major party conventions this week and next, I thought now would be a great time to step back and have a little perspective. There's so much sturm und drang around elections - so much angst, ennui, and other foreign-sounding words that it's good to take a deep breath every once in a while and laugh about the things we've gotten so worked up over in the past.

Like electronic voting machines. Those liberals were so up in arms! The magical computer fairies are disenfranchising people! Ooooh, spooky! Even the company's name was spooky. DIEBOLD. It's got "DIE" right in it! Of course, everyone knows that Bush won his second term fair and square, and that all that talk of lost or stolen votes was just Luddite paranoia. And when people go to their voting booths this November, they can be safe and sure that their votes for war hero John McCain will get safely recorded.

Heck, Diebold doesn't even -exist- anymore. They changed their name to Premier Election Solutions, I assume because their solutions for elections are so premiere. How premiere? Just look at this glowing praise from the respected Washington Post newspaper. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The problem was identified after complaints from Ohio elections officials following the March primary there, but the logic error that is the root of the problem has been part of the software for 10 years, said Chris Riggall, a spokesman for Premier Election Solutions."

See? Sure, there was a logic error in the software, and sure, they've admitted to it after denying it for years, but look how long it's been there! Ten years! I'm sure if there was some kind of logic error in the last ten years of major elections, it would have revealed itself in some way in the results of elections in key battleground states like Ohio. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that when Diebold became Premier, Chris Riggall legally changed his name to Chris Riggnone, so I expect to see a correction in tomorrow's Post.

OK, that sounds bad, but still, can't we all look back and laugh at the people who said electronic voting machines without a paper trail were a bad idea? I mean, they WERE liberals. Plus, the president of Premier nee Diebold himself said that "We are indeed distressed that our previous analysis of this issue was in error." See? He's distressed. And they sent out a recommended action list to the 1,750 jurisdictions that use the logically flawed voting machines.

Among the recommendations? Well, they include printing up "No, Really" stickers to hand out to people along with the "I Voted" stickers; hiring Tom Cruise's autistic brother to count the votes as they happen; and making sure that if Captain Kirk shows up to vote, he's not allowed to vote against Proposition M-5, which demands that all electronic voting machine votes be recorded correctly.

And with these measures in place, Premier has assured election officials that an accurate count is assured for this November's election. And why wouldn't we believe them? It's not like they have a record of incompetence, ass-covering, and out-and-out lying stretching back a decade or anything.

So why stress out? Just sit back and relax. Forget about all that hard news and read something light and trivial. You know, like a Maureen Dowd column or the scroll at the bottom of the screen on Fox News. The election will take care of itself, and all your silly fretting and caring will seem like your childish Joey Lawrence infatuation in retrospect. You just need some perspective.

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